I woke up this morning feeling really unsettled with butterflies in my stomach. I stayed in bed a while and really vivid suicidal thoughts and plans invaded my head. I hate it when I feel like that. I wondered whether the medication has made my suicidal thoughts worse and did think about ringing the crisis team but kind of knew that they couldn't help me. I felt that a bad call would just set me back and not necessarily be helpful. It would be good to have someone to talk to when I feel like that as I get so overwhelmed and scared that my impulsivity will take over.
My daughter and I went to visit a gym and I cycled 1.5 miles, used the rowing machine and cross runner, then I swam 20 lengths. Afterwards I felt so much better until I was told that it was £60 a month to join the gym! I need to find a cheaper one.
I have lost 5lbs this week so far and have not had any chocolate for 8 days! I think I will feel much better if I am able to lose more weight and exercise more.
Tomorrow I am back at the hospital to have a needle biopsy of my neck - yuk! I'm not looking forward to that but do want my neck sorting out.
Hopefully tonight will be better after all today's exercise.