Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Nights in my car

Its 5am and I've been in my car all night. I promised myself (and others) that I would try to stay at home and to not spend the night in the car but right now this is how I'm coping. I know it's pretty stupid and I know I'm vulnerable out in the car especially as I'm disassociating so much. 
I tried so hard to stay at home. I tried curling up on the settee but when the panic sets in I just go. 
I can't explain logically why I'm doing this. It doesn't make sense but it feels safer than staying at home. 
I think it might be the enclosed space in the car that helps and the fact I have nothing here that will hurt me. I gravitate to the river and find it peaceful and calming. The water is so still and I love the light dancing on the water.
Have got yo go to work tomorrow but I'm so exhausted. I've been offered a place at the crisis house again and I'm seriously thinking of going. Maybe that will support me into sleeping in my bed again? Even if it just helps me to stay at home it will be better.
Going to try and drive home. I might be able to grab a few hours sleep............