Crap week

Having a crap week so far. Monday I went to give blood and was treated badly as I have scars on my wrist. There was no need to point them out and ask me how I had done them. Then go and get other nurses just to check I was ok to give blood - are mental health patients not ok to give their blood? Might it infect them?
Then on Tuesday I passed out probably from giving the blood and embarrassed myself whilst at a school. I knew I was going to faint and nearly managed to get to the toilet before I blacked out. I cut my arm all the way down in the process. Then my manager told me off for something I hadn't done and really pissed me off.
I had trauma therapy that leaves me unsettled in the new building. There are lots of bad memories in that building and it does trigger me. Am not seeing him for a while which is good. He talked about having a multi agency meeting to discuss my care as he thinks my risk is too high at the moment and I'm not getting the right support. Hopefully this time I can go to the meeting.
Yesterday I was so unsettled and had a flashback at lunchtime. I rang the duty MH team and spoke to the duty worker who told me to ring back when I was calmer! Duh that's what I need you for, to calm me down and help me to focus and stay safe. So I rang my GP surgery and was too distressed that I couldn't get past the receptionist. There were no appointments available.
I sat in my car and cried, then time just went and it was 1am. I had cut my wrist badly. I ended up at A&E and they patched me up. I didn't want to speak to anyone - they can't help me. So now I am home and feeling frightened and overwhelmed. Ask me again if I'm feeling suicidal and I might give you the right answer?

Reasons to get better

Looking back at the last 10 years I have gone from one crisis to the next. It's like I'm on a roller coaster and I can't get off. I feel like my life is one big Ferris wheel. I start at the bottom and work really hard to try and turn my life around only to end up right back at the bottom again.
The cogs in the wheel that hold me up are my children, my job, the nurses at my GP practice, my GP, MHT, therapists and the crisis team. I need them to keep me going.
I should have friends and family in the cogs but I don't really have any. I'm too good at being independent and pushing people away. My mental health scares people, especially when they see my scars.
I do have reasons to keep going and to keep trying. I need to get off the roller coaster.
The main reasons are:-

• I can't let the people that have hurt me win
• I love my children and want the best for them
• I want to see my grandchildren
• I want to be at my children's weddings
• I deserve better 
• I want to be happy
• There is still so much I want to see and do in my life

I just can't give in. Lots of wonderful people have given their time and energy to be there for me so I must be worth it. I know they are just doing their job but I really appreciate all that they do. If I can get stronger it will all have been worth it.

Trouble is how do you shut your head up? My head is full of images that are so painful. Will they ever ho away? I am so tired. I need to remember the good things in my life and try to keep moving forward. I need a Ferris wheel that only goes up and up.