Sunday, 14 June 2015

Reasons to get better

Looking back at the last 10 years I have gone from one crisis to the next. It's like I'm on a roller coaster and I can't get off. I feel like my life is one big Ferris wheel. I start at the bottom and work really hard to try and turn my life around only to end up right back at the bottom again.
The cogs in the wheel that hold me up are my children, my job, the nurses at my GP practice, my GP, MHT, therapists and the crisis team. I need them to keep me going.
I should have friends and family in the cogs but I don't really have any. I'm too good at being independent and pushing people away. My mental health scares people, especially when they see my scars.
I do have reasons to keep going and to keep trying. I need to get off the roller coaster.
The main reasons are:-

  • I can't let the people that have hurt me win
  • I love my children and want the best for them
  • I want to see my grandchildren
  • I want to be at my children's weddings
  • I deserve better 
  • I want to be happy
  • There is still so much I want to see and do in my life
I just can't give in. Lots of wonderful people have given their time and energy to be there for me so I must be worth it. I know they are just doing their job but I really appreciate all that they do. If I can get stronger it will all have been worth it.

Trouble is how do you shut your head up? My head is full of images that are so painful. Will they ever ho away? I am so tired. I need to remember the good things in my life and try to keep moving forward. I need a Ferris wheel that only goes up and up.