A&E

In A&E as I've managed to cut through an artery!!! One of these days I won't make it to be patched up

Can't even remember hurting myself tonight and I'm so upset at the damage I've done

Been waiting for hours to be sorted and still got to see the mental health team but I know they will just send me home

It scares me what I'm capable of but at the same time I don't really care 

This is just crap

It's now 3 hours later and I'm still here waiting for DPM - feel so crap sat on the naughty chair - even the drunk people get treated better than me. Going to leave if they don't come soon - they can't help anyway 

Crap week

Having a crap week so far. Monday I went to give blood and was treated badly as I have scars on my wrist. There was no need to point them out and ask me how I had done them. Then go and get other nurses just to check I was ok to give blood - are mental health patients not ok to give their blood? Might it infect them?
Then on Tuesday I passed out probably from giving the blood and embarrassed myself whilst at a school. I knew I was going to faint and nearly managed to get to the toilet before I blacked out. I cut my arm all the way down in the process. Then my manager told me off for something I hadn't done and really pissed me off.
I had trauma therapy that leaves me unsettled in the new building. There are lots of bad memories in that building and it does trigger me. Am not seeing him for a while which is good. He talked about having a multi agency meeting to discuss my care as he thinks my risk is too high at the moment and I'm not getting the right support. Hopefully this time I can go to the meeting.
Yesterday I was so unsettled and had a flashback at lunchtime. I rang the duty MH team and spoke to the duty worker who told me to ring back when I was calmer! Duh that's what I need you for, to calm me down and help me to focus and stay safe. So I rang my GP surgery and was too distressed that I couldn't get past the receptionist. There were no appointments available.
I sat in my car and cried, then time just went and it was 1am. I had cut my wrist badly. I ended up at A&E and they patched me up. I didn't want to speak to anyone - they can't help me. So now I am home and feeling frightened and overwhelmed. Ask me again if I'm feeling suicidal and I might give you the right answer?

Bad week

So this week has been a bad week. On Wednesday night I had a nightmare and disassociated. I ended up in the kitchen somehow and got a knife. I stabbed myself in the chest and came to covered in blood. I cannot remember hurting myself at all which is so scary. I went to A&E and had to have a CT scan and an ECG. Luckily I had not done any serious damage but they kept me in the hospital overnight. I was so frightened and overwhelmed. It brought home that one of these days I'm going to kill myself. I stabbed myself hard enough to go right through the skin and nearly into the abdominal cavity.
After leaving the hospital I saw my trauma therapist. He asked what he could do to help but I just don't know. I feel so lost. He is away for a few weeks but is going to email my psychiatrist and GP to tell them I am struggling.
I saw my cpn and we did a plan for the next week. I have planned in time to ring for support. I now have to put away all my sharp objects overnight into the shed. I have put a mat that plays music when you tread on it in front of my bedroom door to stop me getting out and a wind chime before the kitchen door to maybe make a noise and bring me back into reality.
Today I volunteered again for a race for life. I helped for nearly 7 hours, giving out medals at the finish line, being a course Marshal and marking the course. Everyone seemed very friendly but no one really spoke much and no one thanked me at the end. I've come home and am feeling tired and lonely.
I guess I just have to try and keep going but it's not easy. I'm tired and overwhelmed.

Self Harm

I hate it when I hurt myself especially when I cut my wrists. That is my signal that things have got too bad and I'm not coping very well at all
When the emotional pain gets too much I just snap and then hate it so much when I harm myself. People notice my cuts and they get harder to explain to simple accidents. There is such a stigma around self harm and people don't understand that I don't do it for attention but it's more a response to overwhelming emotional pain
Turning that pain into physical pain makes it easier to cope with and it's a pain I know will eventually go.
Often I don't know I've hurt myself and to come round to blood everywhere is scary. One day I will hurt myself so badly that there will be no going back.
I just can't explain what happens. I don't understand why I do what I do or what it would take for it to stop. Why do I do what I do? I wish I could stop it and be normal
I don't want to hurt myself and I want to be able to move on with my life in a healthy way.
Please don't judge me or others that hurt themselves. The scars remind me of all my pain and I don't want any more
I try distraction techniques and when I'm not distressed or disassociating they work well but at times it all just goes out of the window

Alone with it all

What a difference less than a day can make. I felt ok this morning and hopeful that things were getting better but tonight I just feel lost and have that horrible knotted up feeling in my stomach. I've taken my meds but for some reason don't want to go to sleep. I just know I won't cope tonight with another nightmare.
I've got a busy day at work tomorrow and in the morning am assessing someone doing a level 3 qualification in Child Care. I just hope she is ok because I don't feel strong enough to tell anyone they have failed. Maybe I should give in and stay off work but then I'm alone with my head and my head is not a good place to be right now. How do I keep my head up and pretend everything is ok? Everything is not ok and there are more times that I just want to curl up and die. I hate feeling like this.
So who do I tell? Where do I go for help before I do something stupid? My MHT just tell me to go for a walk. The crisis team tell me to take another lorazepam. My GP hasn't got a clue and is under the impression that the crisis team will come and see me and make everything better. My psychiatrist never has any appointments. My therapist can't cope with the fact that I'm not getting any better and my family don't give a shit.
Seems that it's back to good old me. Distractions, distractions, positive self talk, hot baths, drives in the car to the river, watching tele and when all that fails there is always tablets and scissors. Sometimes the emotional pain is just too great

Bad day

Having a bad day. Woke up this morning and just felt so tired and really low. It is so cold outside and I just couldn't get out of bed. I lay there trying to will myself to get up but just couldn't find the energy or inclination from anywhere.
In the end I gave in and went back to sleep and finally woke up at 3pm. I obviously needed the sleep. Can't really say I feel much better now. Just feel tired and run down.
Night times have been really hard and I've been beating myself up about the fact that I can't shake the nightmares. I still feel dirty and disgusting and my skin crawls.
Thoughts of self harm are never far away and I'm finding it hard to just keep going.
I have so much going on in my life at the moment. My job is changing yet again and that stresses me out. I just get used to working somewhere and then they move me and I have to start all over again. The schools that I work with are not happy and everyone at work is fed up.
My children have all just about left home and I'm on my own a lot which is just not good for me. I keep thinking about going to the gym or a club but I'm just so tired all the time.
I've not been well again and have another abscess that needs packing everyday. It is really sore and I have been taking antibiotics for it.
I am getting the results of blood tests tomorrow so hopefully I can get sorted soon.
I'm just losing so much weight - not a bad thing I know but I've lost over 4 stones in 6 months without really trying to. It is a worry.
I'm still not taking any meds but have read about a new drug for nightmares called prazosin but my psychiatrist won't give it to me and it is really frustrating. He told me to write to him about it and he will have a look but I'm not seeing him till April!
So all in all life is as crap as ever

I give up :-(

I'm really struggling at the moment and feel really low. I was supposed to have my first therapy session for months today and really needed it. However when I got there my therapist had gone home as I had been given the wrong time for the session. I was really upset.
It seems that I truly am alone at the moment. I hurt myself badly and ended up at the hospital. The psychiatrist wanted to keep me in and I agreed only to be told that there were no beds so I had to go home. They said someone would be in touch but no one has.
I rang the crisis team at the weekend when I was feeling unsettled and impulsive but was told that no one was available to talk and I wasn't currently open to the crisis team!
I have been ringing my cpn for weeks and she never rings me back.
So it's just me. My self harm is bad, I haven't been able to go to the supermarket for weeks and am missing so much time from work. I have a hole in my side that I have to pack and dress every day but I often use a blade and make it bleed and the hole get bigger. I need the pain to keep me from doing something stupid.
Nights are crap and I'm tired. Really don't know how much longer I can keep going - it's not worth it.

Trip to A&E

Can't believe that I ended up at A&E again. I have been struggling for a few weeks and asking for help but just get told to go to bed which is no help at all.
On Tuesday night I just snapped after yet another nightmare. Yet again I ended up in the kitchen and just stabbed myself with a kitchen knife. I ended up having a ct scan at the hospital and 15 stitches.
I saw the psych team and they wanted me to stay in hospital. I didn't really care either way but just felt numb and frightened to go home. However there weren't any beds available so they told me to go home.
I am so frightened of what I'm capable of - one of these times I might kill myself with my impulsive acts. This time my self harm was the worse ever and I just don't know who to turn to. No one has rang me from my MH team. It's like they don't care but why should they really?
Going to just keep my head under my pillow and try and keep myself safe. I've got to try and keep going.

Stuck in the car

I left work on Friday and got in my car at 5pm. I'm not sure what it was, a song or the car that drove really close behind me but I started shaking and couldn't breathe. I pulled up at the side of the road and just couldn't move. The next I really remember it was 11.30pm and I was so cold. I rang the night crisis team and Fiona said she was busy and she would ring me back in 10 mins. It took her over an hour to get back to me and by that time I was just in tears and really frightened.
I spoke to her for a few minutes and said that I would try to get home. It took me another hour to get home, so it took me over 8 hours to get home from work.
I was so shaken and exhausted that I have spent the weekend mainly in bed. I haven't got dressed. I'm frightened to go to work tomorrow.
To top all that my husband has changed his current city on Facebook to Nottingham. That is so scary, I can't cope with him living in the same country as me, never mind the same city. I haven't been able to find out whether it is true or not , I'm too scared of the impact it will have if I knew he was down the road.
So I'm feeling very unsettled but I've managed to keep myself safe and haven't self harmed for weeks. I need to ring my GP back tomorrow as I was too busy on Friday - I'm not sure she can help me.

Crisis Team

I'm so cross with myself that I had to ring the crisis team today. I hate it when I get to a place that I know I'm not safe and I have to talk to someone to stop me doing something really stupid.
I've had 2 really bad nights with nightmares and soiled beds. I just couldn't calm down and could hear his voice so loudly. This morning I went swimming to try and calm down. However I felt just as unsettled after the swim.
Then I tried to go shopping to get some food for tonight as all my children were coming home for a roast dinner. I just froze in the shop. I felt that someone was behind me and could hear him so loudly. I felt sick and thought I was going to pass out.
I had to come home without any food and just cried. I was so angry with myself and picked up some scissors to hurt myself.
Instead of hurting myself I rang the crisis team and they calmed me down and we talked about how I could still provide a meal. Ordering a pizza is ok and not a sign of failure. Sometimes I just can't do it.
So I went to bed and slept I was so tired. When my children came home thy were fine about getting a pizza and we had a lovely night watching the X factor.
I need to learn to not be too hard on myself. I was exhausted and needed sleep and feel much calmer now.

CPN again

I finally saw my cpn today. I hadn't seen her for months. The last couple of nights have been particularly bad and I have cut my wrist. I hate it when I lose it so much that I self harm and it makes me feel really frightened. It just seems that I forget all my coping strategies in the night.
After talking to my cpn she said that she will refer me to a distress tolerance course but not until the new year. Not really sure how that will help me right now!
I explained how I've been hearing his voice really loudly at night and sometimes during the day and she said that it is normal after trauma. I find it overwhelming and don't cope very well at all. Sometimes I think I'm going mad when I hear his voice.
Sometimes I feel more unsettled when I've seen someone and talked about how I'm feeling. It makes me feel stupid and pathetic, like I should be stronger. I don't understand why I don't get any better. I try so hard to keep going and I want to be rid of this nightmare.

Trying to keep going

This week has been a hard one. I've doubled the sertraline to 100mg but its just not helping. My agitation is worse and I wake to feeling a horrible knot in my stomach, with that terrible feeling of dread. I am forcing myself to keep going but it would be so easy to stay in bed and hide under my duvet.
Nights are so hard and I haven't been coping very well. I've been going off out in my car in the middle of the night, just to get away from the temptation to hurt myself. I curl up on the back seat and just cry. When I am in bed my nightmares are vivid and relentless and I'm tired of having to clean my bedding and sort myself out. Why can't I just be normal and sleep at night?
Work has been hard and the threat of redundancy is hanging over me for the fourth year running. There is only so much I can take. How do I keep smiling and pretending I'm ok?
I spoke to my cpn today and am seeing her next week. I know she can't change anything but it helps to be able to talk things through.
This week I've got to go to a training day on Saturday so I'm only getting one day off and I'm so tired.
I decided that I need to be kind to myself and do something for me, so today I had my eyebrows waxed and threaded - ouch, it hurt! I looked like a red panda. Then I treated myself to a new top and some malt loaf.
Am going to have an early night and try to sleep. I need to stop going off in my car as its cold and not very safe.

Crap night

Had a really bad night last night. Woke up crying and shaking at about 2.30am and just couldn't ground myself. I could hear him and smell him and it just got louder and louder. Even in the shower I could still smell his sweaty body.
I finally rang the night crisis team after a couple of hours on the bathroom floor curled up in a ball. I was in the house on my own and too scared to move. I haven't self harmed for a while and just couldn't trust myself to move. My head was like a washing machine, thoughts whirring round and round.
Glen calmed me down and got me back into the bedroom but I couldn't go near my bed. Instead I curled up on the settee. I would be so lost without the night crisis team. He was so calm and supportive.
Today I feel tearful. I'm trying to keep busy and have been cleaning. I need to keep distracted until my daughters come home later.
I have to tell myself that I can do this.

Really stupid :-(

Can't believe what I did on Sunday night. My neck was throbbing and so painful and the pressure in my ear was just driving me mad. I couldn't sleep and had had enough of the pain. So I decided to get a craft knife and open up the abscess myself. Well it's not really a good idea to stick a knife in your neck but that is what I did in a moment of madness.
My neck wouldn't stop bleeding and so I ended up in A & E where they were really lovely. I had to wait over 2 hours to see a doctor even though they really weren't very busy. People around me were getting really angry and shouting at the nurses. I felt sorry for them as it is not their fault. I told one man to stop shouting and swearing as it wouldn't get him seen any quicker. He had been drinking and I thought he would hit me but he just sat down quietly and even said sorry!
I saw the doctor and he was shocked that I had opened the abscess up by myself but said that he understood why. 10 days of pain is enough to drive anyone to want to get rid of it. The ENT doctor came to see me and he showed me my CT scan and explained fully what was happening in my neck. I wish the doctors earlier in the week had done the same. I have a cyst that needs removing and they want it to settle before they operate. He explained how dangerous sticking knives in your neck is, showing me my arteries and other important structures near to the abscess. He finally ordered a scan and needle biopsy and was concerned that after all this time one hadn't been done. He gave me more antibiotics and sent me home. The scan appointment should be soon.
Last night I felt really poorly. I didn't know whether to ring for an ambulance. The room was spinning and I felt light headed and weird. Instead I went to bed and slept on and off. I don't feel as bad today and the swelling in my neck has gone down but has moved towards my ear.
So all in all it was a stupid thing to do but at least they're going to do something now. I just need to get better before I go back to work next week. I am resting and being good. No more sticking knives in my neck!!

Hospital Experience

 Been in hospital with an abscess on my neck and have come home feeling worse than I did when I went in! I have never been messed around so much in my life.
When I got to the hospital they said I had to stay in and that they were going to operate to drain the abscess.
I was put on a ward and told not to eat and drink anything. Two days later they still hadn't taken me to theatre or decided what to do. My neck is swollen and so painful. I was given IV antibiotics and fluids. The doctor that put the IV line in my hand was brutal. After the first day my hand was sore and swollen so I asked if they could take it out. The same doctor came and tried a few times to get a line in. She prodded and poked, taking the needle in and out for ages and made a comment about the scars on my wrists and me being used to pain! Eventually she put the line in about two inches away from the old one on my swollen hand but right on the bone on my wrist. After an hour my hand began to swell even more and I was in so much pain. The nurse could not believe what the doctor had done.
Another nurse came and put the line in the other arm without any pain at all.
Eventually they told me to go home and finish the antibiotics and come back in two weeks when they would decide whether to cut it out or not. I explained that I am a teacher and it would be best to do it now if they could but in the end just wanted to go home.
As I was leaving they handed me a box of 100 paracetamol and I had to explain again how I can't take them home as my mental health is not good at the moment and I didn't want that many tablets at home.
So here I am, my neck is so painful and I have no painkillers. I am taking my antibiotics and hope it will go down soon as the pressure in my ear is horrible. If it doesn't I might just get a blade and cut it open myself. At least then it will drain.

Bad night again

Struggling tonight - or should I say this morning.
A different nightmare tonight - shadows and voices and my skin felt on fire. I was being pulled in different directions but further away from my children as tiny babies. I was screaming and shouting, desperately trying to reach them and woke up startled, crying and shaking. I felt disorientated and so frightened like someone was lurking.
I fumbled my way to the bathroom and just sat frozen on the floor, voices still loud in my head telling me I am dirty, disgusting, stupid and pathetic, urging me to hurt myself.
It's so hard not to listen, not to give in and go there and I'm frightened by how strong that impulse is. I feel so alone.
I need to calm down, I'm safe and no one can hurt me. I am in control and I can do this. You are not going to win.

Distractions and coping strategies

Just thought I'd share some of the ways that I try to distract myself and keep going. I use many different coping strategies and try to adapt them to the time of day and how I'm feeling. Sometimes I'm not able to think straight and my head is everywhere. It is during those times that I'm most at risk of hurting myself or doing something impulsive that I will later regret. I do worry that one time I will actually kill myself, so its really important that I try to internalise these coping strategies so that they will kick in when I need them most.
I have studied the work of +Jon Kabat-Zinn and Mindfulness. I try to concentrate on my breathing and take notice of my surroundings. I listen to the sounds inside the room and outside the room, alternating between them. I find this can be really calming and help me sleep.
I also try different relaxation techniques from imagery to relaxing muscles in the body. I try to go to my safe place in my head and take note of the smells, colours, sounds etc.
If I am feeling agitated and unsettled I try to plan things to do to keep me distracted. I will empty cupboards, mop the floor, clean windows, bake, go for a walk, knit, crochet, go out in my car or watch a film.
I try to stay around people especially my children and will plan things to look forward to. This week I am going out with a friend on Friday, volunteering at my local race for life on Sunday and next week I'm going camping with a friend for a few nights. (Hope it doesn't rain!)
When things are really tough I write down what I'm going to do for the next 10 minutes and just keep doing that for as long as I need to.
I also have a Happy Box which has photos of my children and some objects that remind me of happy times. I try to keep a bar of chocolate in it - chocolate always helps.
When I've exhausted all of the above and things aren't getting any better I will try to ring someone to talk things through. I hate it when I get to this stage as I feel pathetic and stupid and beat myself up that I should be stronger. The crisis team are not always very helpful, I think I must frustrate them in that over the years I'm still ringing and saying exactly the same things. In a perfect world I know that they would like to work with me and then never hear from me again. However I find it triggering to call a service like the Samaritans that don't know me as I don't want to go over why I'm feeling like I am. All I need is for someone to acknowledge how I'm feeling and to help me plan a way forward to keep me safe. I just get so overwhelmed and need grounding.
When the chips are down I do self harm and know that it is a crap coping strategy but over the years it has probably kept me alive, so I must look at my scars not as a negative thing but as a sign of strength.

Bad night

Yesterday I had another trauma therapy session. I had identified that one of my triggers was around lack of control especially in my nightmare but also around the fact that my husband could just walk back into our lives at any time. I'm frightened that that would take away my safety and he would also take away my children ( which is irrational as they're adults now!)
During the EMDR I was supposed to be focusing on the fact that I am in control but my head was everywhere. I even had images of my Mum after she died. In the end I just burst into tears and sobbed. I felt so ashamed as I don't like others to see me crying. After more than a year this was only the second time my therapist had seen me cry.
He abandoned the EMDR and told me to complete an exercise at home where I have to write down all the things I could do if my husband comes back. Then I have to think about whether that is viable, who it would affect and the long and short term gain.
He then gave me a lecture about how I let my husband affect me and that I won't get any better until I take control. I agree with what he said but probably wasn't in the best place to hear it. I just cried.
I felt unsettled all evening and had a bad night. Thoughts of self harm are so vivid and I even found an old blade. I find my thoughts are bigger than self harming though. I have suicidal plans going round my head and they're getting stronger and more lucid.
I haven't got out of bed this morning yet and I have a tight knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. There is no one I can ring for help as my care coordinator has gone off on long term sick.
I just don't know what to do - do I just try to keep distracted and keep going by myself or do I go for an admission to hospital? Hospital scares me but so does the impulsivity I'm feeling and my total hatred of myself. I really don't care if I live or not but know that I can't hurt my children.
Think I just need to hide my head under the pillow until I feel stronger today and take each hour as it comes. It's going to be a long day.