What a week!!!

Just had a really bad week and am exhausted.
About a week ago my beautiful labrador, Lottie, stopped eating and suddenly looked really ill. After a few trips to the vets we found out that she had an enormous tumour in her stomach that was inoperable. I brought her home for one last night and we all said our goodbyes to her and then the vet came round to the house to put her to sleep. I snuggled her up in her bed and kept her calm and he gave her an injection. Within seconds she had gone but it was peaceful. I'm missing her so much as we had had her since she was 5 weeks old and she was nearly 14. I am trying to remember all the lovely times we had but it is a bit raw right now. We have her daughter, Rosey, who is 10. She is missing her Mum and has become my shadow.
I have started taking citalopram and it is making me feel really crap. I feel sick all the time, dizzy at times and my temperature is all over the place. Am not sure if that is due to an infected wound or the tablet. When you look at the side effects for citalopram there are so many!!! I'm going to try and stay on them but might cut the tablet in half tomorrow as I somehow have to go to work and won't be able to if I continue to feel sick and dizzy.
I have a meeting on Tuesday afternoon to go over my complaint about A&E. I'm glad they're taking it seriously but I'm not looking forward to going over it all again with someone else.

DPM

I really hate the treatment that you get in A&E. I was so upset about ending up back there again and was made to sit for hours in the middle of the department on a hard chair while all the other patients, even the drunk ones, laid on comfy beds. A nurse came to do the referral to DPM and asked me very personal and embarrassing questions infront of other patients sitting next to me. I wanted to curl up and die.
Then I kept getting told that someone would be down to assess me in half an hour - 4 hours later someone came and asked me if I lived in a bungalow etc, what my religion was etc etc and then just told me to go home and ring the crisis team! Duh, that was no help at all. Looking back I know there is nothing much else he could have said or done but maybe to ask how I was feeling would have been a good start as then I could have said how overwhelmed and frightened I was. I could have talked through how I was going to cope at home and keep myself safe and how to use my medication more effectively. Maybe I should do their job?
Have managed to get some sleep and am going to have a quiet day. Can't believe how badly I hurt myself - do I really hate myself that much? Do I really care that little about myself? My self harm is getting worse and it's like I'm on self destruct. Got to go through the humiliation of having my stitches out next week too - joys!

A&E

In A&E as I've managed to cut through an artery!!! One of these days I won't make it to be patched up

Can't even remember hurting myself tonight and I'm so upset at the damage I've done

Been waiting for hours to be sorted and still got to see the mental health team but I know they will just send me home

It scares me what I'm capable of but at the same time I don't really care 

This is just crap

It's now 3 hours later and I'm still here waiting for DPM - feel so crap sat on the naughty chair - even the drunk people get treated better than me. Going to leave if they don't come soon - they can't help anyway 

Crap week

Having a crap week so far. Monday I went to give blood and was treated badly as I have scars on my wrist. There was no need to point them out and ask me how I had done them. Then go and get other nurses just to check I was ok to give blood - are mental health patients not ok to give their blood? Might it infect them?
Then on Tuesday I passed out probably from giving the blood and embarrassed myself whilst at a school. I knew I was going to faint and nearly managed to get to the toilet before I blacked out. I cut my arm all the way down in the process. Then my manager told me off for something I hadn't done and really pissed me off.
I had trauma therapy that leaves me unsettled in the new building. There are lots of bad memories in that building and it does trigger me. Am not seeing him for a while which is good. He talked about having a multi agency meeting to discuss my care as he thinks my risk is too high at the moment and I'm not getting the right support. Hopefully this time I can go to the meeting.
Yesterday I was so unsettled and had a flashback at lunchtime. I rang the duty MH team and spoke to the duty worker who told me to ring back when I was calmer! Duh that's what I need you for, to calm me down and help me to focus and stay safe. So I rang my GP surgery and was too distressed that I couldn't get past the receptionist. There were no appointments available.
I sat in my car and cried, then time just went and it was 1am. I had cut my wrist badly. I ended up at A&E and they patched me up. I didn't want to speak to anyone - they can't help me. So now I am home and feeling frightened and overwhelmed. Ask me again if I'm feeling suicidal and I might give you the right answer?

Bad week

So this week has been a bad week. On Wednesday night I had a nightmare and disassociated. I ended up in the kitchen somehow and got a knife. I stabbed myself in the chest and came to covered in blood. I cannot remember hurting myself at all which is so scary. I went to A&E and had to have a CT scan and an ECG. Luckily I had not done any serious damage but they kept me in the hospital overnight. I was so frightened and overwhelmed. It brought home that one of these days I'm going to kill myself. I stabbed myself hard enough to go right through the skin and nearly into the abdominal cavity.
After leaving the hospital I saw my trauma therapist. He asked what he could do to help but I just don't know. I feel so lost. He is away for a few weeks but is going to email my psychiatrist and GP to tell them I am struggling.
I saw my cpn and we did a plan for the next week. I have planned in time to ring for support. I now have to put away all my sharp objects overnight into the shed. I have put a mat that plays music when you tread on it in front of my bedroom door to stop me getting out and a wind chime before the kitchen door to maybe make a noise and bring me back into reality.
Today I volunteered again for a race for life. I helped for nearly 7 hours, giving out medals at the finish line, being a course Marshal and marking the course. Everyone seemed very friendly but no one really spoke much and no one thanked me at the end. I've come home and am feeling tired and lonely.
I guess I just have to try and keep going but it's not easy. I'm tired and overwhelmed.

Quetiapine

My psychiatrist decided that I should start taking 25mg of quetiapine at night to help me sleep and maybe stop my nightmares.
I started taking it a week ago and it is a bloody nightmare. I get off to sleep really quickly but am waking up about 4am in an absolute mess. I just can't get myself out of the nightmare. Images stay with me and everything is so bright and vivid. I just can't ground myself and am disassociating.
I stabbed myself badly in the stomach and ended up at A&E where I had to have a CT scan and be stitched up.
During the day I don't feel safe. My head is all over the place. Thoughts of hanging myself are never far away and I'm not eating or looking after myself at all.
I have rang my MHT, the crisis team and seen my GP but they are not listening to how frightened I am and how unsafe I feel.
What do I have to do to get some help?
In reality I know there isn't much they can do. I don't want to be locked up. I need to stay at work but I'm struggling and feeling alone with it all.
Should I stop taking the quetiapine? Should I try to ride it out with hopes it will improve? I just don't know what to do.
I do know that right now I just want to curl up and die.

I give up :-(

I'm really struggling at the moment and feel really low. I was supposed to have my first therapy session for months today and really needed it. However when I got there my therapist had gone home as I had been given the wrong time for the session. I was really upset.
It seems that I truly am alone at the moment. I hurt myself badly and ended up at the hospital. The psychiatrist wanted to keep me in and I agreed only to be told that there were no beds so I had to go home. They said someone would be in touch but no one has.
I rang the crisis team at the weekend when I was feeling unsettled and impulsive but was told that no one was available to talk and I wasn't currently open to the crisis team!
I have been ringing my cpn for weeks and she never rings me back.
So it's just me. My self harm is bad, I haven't been able to go to the supermarket for weeks and am missing so much time from work. I have a hole in my side that I have to pack and dress every day but I often use a blade and make it bleed and the hole get bigger. I need the pain to keep me from doing something stupid.
Nights are crap and I'm tired. Really don't know how much longer I can keep going - it's not worth it.

Trip to A&E

Can't believe that I ended up at A&E again. I have been struggling for a few weeks and asking for help but just get told to go to bed which is no help at all.
On Tuesday night I just snapped after yet another nightmare. Yet again I ended up in the kitchen and just stabbed myself with a kitchen knife. I ended up having a ct scan at the hospital and 15 stitches.
I saw the psych team and they wanted me to stay in hospital. I didn't really care either way but just felt numb and frightened to go home. However there weren't any beds available so they told me to go home.
I am so frightened of what I'm capable of - one of these times I might kill myself with my impulsive acts. This time my self harm was the worse ever and I just don't know who to turn to. No one has rang me from my MH team. It's like they don't care but why should they really?
Going to just keep my head under my pillow and try and keep myself safe. I've got to try and keep going.

Really stupid :-(

Can't believe what I did on Sunday night. My neck was throbbing and so painful and the pressure in my ear was just driving me mad. I couldn't sleep and had had enough of the pain. So I decided to get a craft knife and open up the abscess myself. Well it's not really a good idea to stick a knife in your neck but that is what I did in a moment of madness.
My neck wouldn't stop bleeding and so I ended up in A & E where they were really lovely. I had to wait over 2 hours to see a doctor even though they really weren't very busy. People around me were getting really angry and shouting at the nurses. I felt sorry for them as it is not their fault. I told one man to stop shouting and swearing as it wouldn't get him seen any quicker. He had been drinking and I thought he would hit me but he just sat down quietly and even said sorry!
I saw the doctor and he was shocked that I had opened the abscess up by myself but said that he understood why. 10 days of pain is enough to drive anyone to want to get rid of it. The ENT doctor came to see me and he showed me my CT scan and explained fully what was happening in my neck. I wish the doctors earlier in the week had done the same. I have a cyst that needs removing and they want it to settle before they operate. He explained how dangerous sticking knives in your neck is, showing me my arteries and other important structures near to the abscess. He finally ordered a scan and needle biopsy and was concerned that after all this time one hadn't been done. He gave me more antibiotics and sent me home. The scan appointment should be soon.
Last night I felt really poorly. I didn't know whether to ring for an ambulance. The room was spinning and I felt light headed and weird. Instead I went to bed and slept on and off. I don't feel as bad today and the swelling in my neck has gone down but has moved towards my ear.
So all in all it was a stupid thing to do but at least they're going to do something now. I just need to get better before I go back to work next week. I am resting and being good. No more sticking knives in my neck!!