Crap week

Having a crap week so far. Monday I went to give blood and was treated badly as I have scars on my wrist. There was no need to point them out and ask me how I had done them. Then go and get other nurses just to check I was ok to give blood - are mental health patients not ok to give their blood? Might it infect them?
Then on Tuesday I passed out probably from giving the blood and embarrassed myself whilst at a school. I knew I was going to faint and nearly managed to get to the toilet before I blacked out. I cut my arm all the way down in the process. Then my manager told me off for something I hadn't done and really pissed me off.
I had trauma therapy that leaves me unsettled in the new building. There are lots of bad memories in that building and it does trigger me. Am not seeing him for a while which is good. He talked about having a multi agency meeting to discuss my care as he thinks my risk is too high at the moment and I'm not getting the right support. Hopefully this time I can go to the meeting.
Yesterday I was so unsettled and had a flashback at lunchtime. I rang the duty MH team and spoke to the duty worker who told me to ring back when I was calmer! Duh that's what I need you for, to calm me down and help me to focus and stay safe. So I rang my GP surgery and was too distressed that I couldn't get past the receptionist. There were no appointments available.
I sat in my car and cried, then time just went and it was 1am. I had cut my wrist badly. I ended up at A&E and they patched me up. I didn't want to speak to anyone - they can't help me. So now I am home and feeling frightened and overwhelmed. Ask me again if I'm feeling suicidal and I might give you the right answer?

Feeling numb

Struggling a bit right now. I had an appointment yesterday at the Topaz Centre which is attached to a police station. If my husband does come back I wanted to know more about the process of making a statement to the police and getting an injunction to stop him coming near to me.
I feel really unsure about writing or doing a video interview about the rape. I needed to know how specific I needed to be and it seems that I would need to go through it minute by minute - what he did etc. That is so scary and so triggering. It was 12 years ago.
I was told that I would have to be sure and would not be able to say that some details might have been changed by the intensity of my nightmares and flashbacks. Also the defence would go through my medical records etc with a fine tooth comb and they would try to discredit me.It might not get as far as the crime prosecution service or go to court. I wouldn't be able to cope with that. I would go to pieces if they didn't believe me or charge him. I have so much to lose. I don't thinking it is worth putting myself through all that but will wait and see what he does when he finally returns. At least I know more about the process and they said that they could help me.
Last night I just went to pieces and my nightmare was so vivid and loud. Fiona from the crisis team helped to calm me down but it took hours to get back to sleep and it was my first day back at work today. I am so tired. I'm so good at hiding how I am feeling and keeping smiling when inside I'm so numb.
I just hope tonight is better.

Nightmare :-(

I kind of knew tonight would be a bad night. I've felt unsettled all day.
I feel so dirty and disgusting, my skin is crawling and I just need it to stop. The same old nightmare, he has his hands around my neck, his body slamming into mine. I can hear those words over and over "no one will want you now" My head is screaming for him to get out, to stop but I'm frozen and heavy.
Then it's over, I'm awake, crying and shaking. My bed is wet and I can still smell him and hear him. Where am I? I'm disorientated and frightened and my first urge is to run and hide.
Instead I curl up on the bathroom floor, I need to calm down. I try to tell myself that I'm safe and I can do this. He is not here and it won't happen again. I scrub myself clean in the shower but the dirt and shame stays with me.
I still have my bed to clean. I just can't face it tonight. I can't cope like this anymore, it's crap. I'm trying my best to move on and be strong but my nightmare pulls me back and reminds me of how pathetic I really am. I let him in my home and I asked for what I got. I'm stupid.
I need to try and get back to bed. Is he still lurking in my dreams? Will I ever be rid of him?
It's like it happens again and the pain is just as raw. I can't really explain how devastating it is to relive my worse nightmare over and over.
Medication won't help but to be calm and able to sleep right now would be so good.
Better change my bed and try again - I must tell myself that I can do this and really believe that I can. Without hope, what is there left?

Bad night again

Struggling tonight - or should I say this morning.
A different nightmare tonight - shadows and voices and my skin felt on fire. I was being pulled in different directions but further away from my children as tiny babies. I was screaming and shouting, desperately trying to reach them and woke up startled, crying and shaking. I felt disorientated and so frightened like someone was lurking.
I fumbled my way to the bathroom and just sat frozen on the floor, voices still loud in my head telling me I am dirty, disgusting, stupid and pathetic, urging me to hurt myself.
It's so hard not to listen, not to give in and go there and I'm frightened by how strong that impulse is. I feel so alone.
I need to calm down, I'm safe and no one can hurt me. I am in control and I can do this. You are not going to win.

Journey so far

This is my very first attempt at blogging and thought I'd tell you a bit about me and what I hope to achieve through my blog.
My name is Julie and I'm 48 years old. I work full time as an Early Years Specialist Teacher. 13 years ago my husband raped me and abandoned me with 3 young children to go and live in Thailand. Since that time I have been a single mum and my children are now 24, 21 and 17. After my ordeal I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and for a while now have been struggling with horrendous flashbacks and nightmares.
I am currently having trauma therapy which I am finding very challenging. This involves EMDR sessions that recently have left me very unsettled and have made my nightmares more vivid.
I have recently heard that after 13 years my husband is returning to live in the town where I live and that terrifies me. He has not supported me or my family financially or in any other way and I am feeling threatened by his imminent return.
I'm hoping that I can use this blog to track my journey through trauma therapy and EMDR and also to track my emotional turmoil and mental health. I would also like to explore how my mental health affects my family and my working life.

I am a champion for the Time To Change campaign to challenge the stigma of mental health.
At present I am struggling, night times are impossible and I've stopped taking all my medication after a disagreement with my psychiatrist. The night crisis team want me to go into hospital as my self harm has been particularly bad over the past few weeks. I have had 3 visits to A&E to be stitched up.
This week I have an appointment with my care co-ordinator and a session of trauma therapy so I hope I will be able to access some support.