So this week has been a bad week. On Wednesday night I had a nightmare and disassociated. I ended up in the kitchen somehow and got a knife. I stabbed myself in the chest and came to covered in blood. I cannot remember hurting myself at all which is so scary. I went to A&E and had to have a CT scan and an ECG. Luckily I had not done any serious damage but they kept me in the hospital overnight. I was so frightened and overwhelmed. It brought home that one of these days I'm going to kill myself. I stabbed myself hard enough to go right through the skin and nearly into the abdominal cavity.
After leaving the hospital I saw my trauma therapist. He asked what he could do to help but I just don't know. I feel so lost. He is away for a few weeks but is going to email my psychiatrist and GP to tell them I am struggling.
I saw my cpn and we did a plan for the next week. I have planned in time to ring for support. I now have to put away all my sharp objects overnight into the shed. I have put a mat that plays music when you tread on it in front of my bedroom door to stop me getting out and a wind chime before the kitchen door to maybe make a noise and bring me back into reality.
Today I volunteered again for a race for life. I helped for nearly 7 hours, giving out medals at the finish line, being a course Marshal and marking the course. Everyone seemed very friendly but no one really spoke much and no one thanked me at the end. I've come home and am feeling tired and lonely.
I guess I just have to try and keep going but it's not easy. I'm tired and overwhelmed.
Showing posts with label Race For Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Race For Life. Show all posts
Sunday, 7 June 2015
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Race For Life
Today I thought I would do something different, something to help others and to keep me around people. I volunteered to help at the local race for life where people run to collect money for research into cancer.
I arrived nice and early and went to the area I was told to go to. I was given a T Shirt, Marshalls waistcoat and a radio. I was to stand at position 10 along the course and make sure that everyone was ok, stayed away from the waters edge and the uneven ground. I wasn't shown how to use the radio but thought it can't be much harder than a walky talky.
I got into my position and had an hour to go until the race started. The sun was shining on the lake and the swans were swimming around. After a few minutes a crowd of men with large drums came and pitched up next to me - a samba band. I smiled and said hello but it was like I was invisible. They carried on their preparations.
The race started and so did the loud drumming in my ear! So many inspirational people running for loved ones, people suffering now and people they had lost through cancer. Everyone was wearing pink, some in fancy dress, some tied together, one group holding a long ribbon.
A lady collapsed in front of me and I had to use the radio to get an ambulance. She had tried to run with a chest infection.
The last walker was an elderly lady walking with a Zimmer frame. Such a strong, proud lady. I stayed with her until she crossed the finish line - today's battle done.
What about me? I felt inspired by the courage today and commitment, but how can you be in the middle of all that and still feel so alone and invisible. I guess I wanted to belong and to connect but in reality no one spoke to me and I was alone. There was no volunteering team - just people who volunteer.
I would do it again as I think I made a good Marshall no 10 and I can use a radio now but no one would notice if I wasn't there and no one would care.
I feel very alone and losing the will to keep going and trying to do different things like today - it makes no difference as I still hurt and I'm still frightened of how much I want to die.
I arrived nice and early and went to the area I was told to go to. I was given a T Shirt, Marshalls waistcoat and a radio. I was to stand at position 10 along the course and make sure that everyone was ok, stayed away from the waters edge and the uneven ground. I wasn't shown how to use the radio but thought it can't be much harder than a walky talky.
I got into my position and had an hour to go until the race started. The sun was shining on the lake and the swans were swimming around. After a few minutes a crowd of men with large drums came and pitched up next to me - a samba band. I smiled and said hello but it was like I was invisible. They carried on their preparations.
The race started and so did the loud drumming in my ear! So many inspirational people running for loved ones, people suffering now and people they had lost through cancer. Everyone was wearing pink, some in fancy dress, some tied together, one group holding a long ribbon.
A lady collapsed in front of me and I had to use the radio to get an ambulance. She had tried to run with a chest infection.
The last walker was an elderly lady walking with a Zimmer frame. Such a strong, proud lady. I stayed with her until she crossed the finish line - today's battle done.
What about me? I felt inspired by the courage today and commitment, but how can you be in the middle of all that and still feel so alone and invisible. I guess I wanted to belong and to connect but in reality no one spoke to me and I was alone. There was no volunteering team - just people who volunteer.
I would do it again as I think I made a good Marshall no 10 and I can use a radio now but no one would notice if I wasn't there and no one would care.
I feel very alone and losing the will to keep going and trying to do different things like today - it makes no difference as I still hurt and I'm still frightened of how much I want to die.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)