Letter I will not send

Been feeling particularly suicidal recently and have contemplated writing goodbye letters to my children. I don't think I have ever felt as bad as this before and am trying to make sense of it. Empty nest syndrome probably does play a part. My children have all left home now and I'm spending more time on my own. It's summer so I'm not at work and I've also not been very well. All in all I'm not surprised that I'm struggling and battling with my head. Suicidal thoughts are painful and intrusive and hit you when you least expect it. It scares me that in a mad moment I might act on the thoughts and I often don't feel safe. All I can do is keep going

There is one letter inside me that I'd love to send and that is to the person that hurt me the most - Bruce. How do I even start to put on paper how much he has hurt me? How can I describe the pain I live with every day, even after all these years? He will not give me a second thought and I know he hasn't a clue of the impact of his actions. I often wonder if he ever thinks of his children. It won't be long and his daughters will be planning weddings - how would he feel seeing someone else walking them down the aisle? In a few years there might be Grandchildren. He will never see them - will he regret that? Or is he just such a cold bastard that it doesn't matter? I have years of my life, the birth of my children, their early childhood etc etc that I can't share with anyone. I look at old photos and wonder if my memories are real. Why am I smiling? Why do we look just like a normal family? Should I have known - were there any signs?

I know it doesn't help to go over these thoughts but I somehow need to make sense of my life. Am I really a bad person? Often I wonder who I am. I push people away and have little confidence. Who would want to spend time with me? There is such a pain deep inside me and I'm tired of trying to hide it. Maybe I need to write these letters and burn them just to get everything inside of me out. Maybe one day I will but they can't be goodbye letters - not yet anyway

Alone with it all

What a difference less than a day can make. I felt ok this morning and hopeful that things were getting better but tonight I just feel lost and have that horrible knotted up feeling in my stomach. I've taken my meds but for some reason don't want to go to sleep. I just know I won't cope tonight with another nightmare.
I've got a busy day at work tomorrow and in the morning am assessing someone doing a level 3 qualification in Child Care. I just hope she is ok because I don't feel strong enough to tell anyone they have failed. Maybe I should give in and stay off work but then I'm alone with my head and my head is not a good place to be right now. How do I keep my head up and pretend everything is ok? Everything is not ok and there are more times that I just want to curl up and die. I hate feeling like this.
So who do I tell? Where do I go for help before I do something stupid? My MHT just tell me to go for a walk. The crisis team tell me to take another lorazepam. My GP hasn't got a clue and is under the impression that the crisis team will come and see me and make everything better. My psychiatrist never has any appointments. My therapist can't cope with the fact that I'm not getting any better and my family don't give a shit.
Seems that it's back to good old me. Distractions, distractions, positive self talk, hot baths, drives in the car to the river, watching tele and when all that fails there is always tablets and scissors. Sometimes the emotional pain is just too great

Race For Life

Today I thought I would do something different, something to help others and to keep me around people. I volunteered to help at the local race for life where people run to collect money for research into cancer.
I arrived nice and early and went to the area I was told to go to. I was given a T Shirt, Marshalls waistcoat and a radio. I was to stand at position 10 along the course and make sure that everyone was ok, stayed away from the waters edge and the uneven ground. I wasn't shown how to use the radio but thought it can't be much harder than a walky talky.
I got into my position and had an hour to go until the race started. The sun was shining on the lake and the swans were swimming around. After a few minutes a crowd of men with large drums came and pitched up next to me - a samba band. I smiled and said hello but it was like I was invisible. They carried on their preparations.
The race started and so did the loud drumming in my ear! So many inspirational people running for loved ones, people suffering now and people they had lost through cancer. Everyone was wearing pink, some in fancy dress, some tied together, one group holding a long ribbon.
A lady collapsed in front of me and I had to use the radio to get an ambulance. She had tried to run with a chest infection.
The last walker was an elderly lady walking with a Zimmer frame. Such a strong, proud lady. I stayed with her until she crossed the finish line - today's battle done.
What about me? I felt inspired by the courage today and commitment, but how can you be in the middle of all that and still feel so alone and invisible. I guess I wanted to belong and to connect but in reality no one spoke to me and I was alone. There was no volunteering team - just people who volunteer.
I would do it again as I think I made a good Marshall no 10 and I can use a radio now but no one would notice if I wasn't there and no one would care.
I feel very alone and losing the will to keep going and trying to do different things like today - it makes no difference as I still hurt and I'm still frightened of how much I want to die.