A bit of joy

I have a new puppy called Lola who has brought such joy into my life. I'm hoping to train her to be an assistance dog one day as she is so smart

Night time again

It's nearly 3am and I'm in a mess.. I need to calm down and am trying hard to distract myself.
Earlier I found myself downstairs with a cord wrapped around my neck and I can't remember waking up or going downstairs. My neck is sore but I feel so detached.
Why don't I know what I'm doing? I don't understand and it's scary. It's like my mind and my body go in different directions. I am just not connected.
I'm scared to go upstairs and the quiet of the house seems loud and invasive. Shadows dart everywhere and the little bit of light is so bright that it hurts.
My skin crawls and I feel confused and disorientated. I need to connect and stay in the present.
I need to sleep so badly but I'm frightened to. The lack of control is too overwhelming.
I'm just a freak and it hurts. Why me?

Crazy night

Another crazy night as I'm sat on the bathroom floor shaking and crying. My bed is wet and I've crawled into the shower and scrubbed myself clean. No amount of soap can get rid of his smell and my skin still crawls from his touch no matter how much I go over and over it.
I feel dirty so deep within me and everything is so bright and loud. The images going round and round in my head just don't make sense. It's like a broken movie, all fragmented but not one I want to piece together.
I'm not going to hurt myself, he is not going to win. Not sure how to keep going but I've got to. Slow down my breathing, make sense of the space around me, notice my legs on the cold tiled floor and take in all the colours around me. I can do this, I have to. It's just so bloody hard.

Working with PTSD

I'm really struggling at the moment. After being off work and in hospital I'm trying to get my life back to some kind of normality but it is not easy.
I am a teacher and really aware of my responsibilities and hate being off work. I went back to work before I had even been discharged properly from the hospital and realise now that it was way too soon and I was not ready. My GP only signed me back to work as we had a brief telephone conversation and I asked her to sign me fit for work. she hadn't even had my notes from the hospital or anything and just took my word for it. I was not really well enough though and now I am paying for it.
I can only have 4 weeks phased return and have used all that time up so now I have to go back full time. I'm not seeing the doctor from Occupational Health until 24th June so there is very little I can do. I spoke to someone from HR today and she said that I have to go back full time or be paid part time hours even though I can't afford it. I don't see the point of even going to see the OH doc if there is little that they can do to support me. I nearly killed myself a few weeks ago and is any job worth that? Maybe it's time to think about my options and put myself first.
my job is stressful and for the 7th year running I am under threat of redundancy. They keep getting rid of people and then making our work load bigger and bigger. It has become impossible and I've had enough. Surely employers have a duty of care when they keep putting you under so much stress but apparently not. They did offer 6 weeks of counselling with one of their counsellors but that is no good for me. I need specialist help and support and I realise now that I can't get that and work full time.
I spent 6 weeks in hospital for nothing as I have less support now than I ever have. I have not heard from the therapist that promised me he would not give up on me and have only seen once this year.
No wonder people give in as it is so hard to keep your head up and keep going.
I'm not sure what work can do to make a difference but maybe if they even acknowledge that there are times I struggle it would be good. Some safety measures around those times would make a difference but the message was loud and clear today - if I'm not up to the job 100% then I shouldn't be there, so no pressure,!!

Supporting friends, family or colleagues in M H hospitals

Just thought it would be good to write about how I would have liked to have been supported in hospital and what I noticed other people going through.
When you are admitted onto a mental heslth ward it is a frightening and overwhelming experience. Everything you do, say and have around you is closely monitored and you lose you sense of self identity.
On entry you are searched and every bit of your belongings are searched. Personal items can be taken away or withheld and you feel so ashamed and humiliated. Even your underwear is examined. Items that you expect to be taken off you sometimes aren't but silly personal things can be - it doesn't always make sense.
Your bedroom does not have a fully closed door to the bathroom and there is little privacy due to the glass panels in the door and certain lights that are kept on all the time. Strategically placed mirrors mean that you are always in view of staff.
Initially there are 10 minute observations that can go down to one minute or constant observation and that means that you can never settle and are always on alert. You think about your every move and what you say and do.
The doctors assessment is invasive and detailed and you get asked weird questions that make you question if they think you have gone completely mad.
Staff treat you like a child and you get told what to do and when. We were even sent to bed!
So in that environment knowing friends and family are there for you is so important. Even a simple 'how are you' text means so much. Just send a text with 'thinking of you' - anything just to let them know they are not alone as I have never felt so alone in my life. Hours spent sat on that bed or in the chair aimlessly watching crap on the tele. It is soul destroying.
You don't need to visit but visits aren't as scary as you think and you going might be the difference between being able to go and get some fresh air or have someone to talk to about anything. It doesn't have to be doom and gloom.
A friend of mine came a couple of times a week and took me out for a coffee. I felt stupid having to be escorted but those afternoons helped me so much.
A letter, card or even some flowers brighten up your room. I didn't get any but some people decorated their rooms with things from friends which was so nice and thoughtful.
The food is crap and someone bought me some fruit - the nicest fruit I have ever tasted.
So don't be afraid to keep in touch with someone going through a hard time in hospital. They need your support more than ever - trust me I know x

Hurting

Can't believe it's been nearly 5 months since I last posted. My daughter is due to come home next week and time gas gone so quickly.

Such a lot has happened while she has been away. Mostly quite negative and it's had a huge impact on my life.

My PTSD has been really bed. I kind of acknowledge that my children flying the nest is a huge trigger for me and led to my last real breakdown in 2011. In March I hit a really bad time and was so suicidal. When I look back now I don't think I realised how dangerously low and impulsive I had become and my whole perception of how I thought I was coping was not based on reality. It was like I was on auto destruct and my hand was firmly on the self destruct button. I had no regard for the people around me and my tunnel vision led me to several attempts at taking my own life. 

I actually jumped in the river - something I never thought I would do as it was my safe place but one cold miserable night I did. The wall of cold hit me as soon as I entered the water and I managed to scramble to the bank. I was so lucky. I lost my favourite pair of shoes though! The crisis team were wonderful that night, staying on the phone and calming me down.

This was followed by 2 trips to hospital to be stitched up after stabbing myself again and then I started taking overdoses........

The last overdose ended up with me going to A&E and being treated and then being discharged. I got into my car and tried to drive home but crashed half way home. The impact of the crash means that I have no recollection of what happened and to this day have 2 days of my life missing. My car was written off and I'm still trying to sort out a new one. It's horrible not having a car and I've also let the dvla know about my PTSD, the accident and subsequent admission. I'm waiting to hear if I can keep my licence. It will be a blow if I can't but also a wake up call that I need to sort my life out. I've discovered that buses make me sick so that is no good.

After the crash I was admitted to an acute mental heslth ward. It was horrible and so frightening. I can't really say anything changed while I was there apart from still being alive. I did some jigsaws, knitting, colouring, watched people ho on fag breaks and queued up for medication. Night times were bad an the staff had little understanding of trauma but maybe that should be another post.

The good thing was that I finally went for an assessment at Khiron House in Oxfordshire. This is a specialist trauma centre and I really hoped they could help me. The assessment was gentle but very thorough and I felt that I'd finally found somewhere that could help. We decided that the timing wasn't right as I was too high risk at present due to there being no staff cover at night times. However I'm hopeful that I can access their support in the future - something to look forward to and work towards.

They recommended some therapists in my area to start doing the work with me and I've had one session so far.

I am trying to get back to work after finally being discharged from the hospital but it is not easy. My head is still not able to concentrate and stay focused but I'm trying to build ip the time slowly. My colleagues have been as understanding as usual with no cards, get well wishes or flowers - even after being in hospital for 6 weeks but I know that there is a stigma with mental health and it can be frightening. People don't want to say the wrong thing. It was very hard walking back into work on the first day but it is getting easier.

I'm still not looking after myself very well. My weight is the lowest it has been for 27 years and my abscess is not healing. I was back in hospital this week after it seemingly healed over and then burst again in 2 places this time! It is very painful and I have large antibiotics to take.

I think the biggest thing that has hurt me though is the reaction of people you trust and have let into your life. It's true that when times are tough you really know who your friends are but it's more than that and that doesn't even scratch the surface. There are people that I felt comfortable to let into the crazy world of me and that takes hell of a lot of trust, time and effort. It's like finding a kindred spirit only to find that they are not on the same page and that comes as a shock. Having things that I've managed to open up about thrown back at me and being accused of being selfish and triggering, when actually I was not well really cuts deep. Never again will I be able to open up to a friend about how I'm feeling or what is going on in my life, without worrying about should I? I'm not a bad person but I don't always get it right and I would genuinely do anything for my friends. My default can come across as glib when I really feel,out of my depth but that doesn't mean I don't care. I guess the saying that some people stay in your life for a season, some for a reason and some for a lifetime. I had just hoped that this friend was there for the long run and I had even wanted them to be part of my family. I am hurting and there is a hole in my heart but that hole will fill harder and stronger and never again will I let myself be vulnerable and hurt.

Time to move on - it's not easy but I'm determined. When the chips are down it is just me and I'm going to fight. There will be stumbling blocks on the way but I will get to Oxford, I will drive again, I will get back to work properly and when I'm ready I will meet new friends. Until then I'm going to cherish my daughter with so Manu hugs and kisses when she comes back next week and hopefully we can go on a last minute holiday somewhere warm to catch up and relax.

Being a Mum can be hard

Sometimes being a single Mum can be really difficult. It's hard when you know one of your children is struggling and there is nothing you can do except be there for them. I want to take their pain and worries away but sometime that is just not possible.

My daughter went all the way to Maryland in America to study at the university until the summer. The preparation was stressful and she didn't get her things ready until the very last minute.

I got up at 3am and drove her 2 hours to the airport in Manchester and then drove all the way home, worrying whether she had caught her flight ok and if her case was too heavy etc.... I then worked all day and was so shattered that I got ill with a bad cold and chest infection.

When my daughter arrived in America the airline had lost her case. It was freezing cold and she didn't have the warmest clothes on, plus she left her coat in my car! Tearful phone calls continued for 3 days and she had no clean, warm clothes, no bedding and no one she could turn to. I just wanted to jump on a plane, give her some clean clothes and a cuddle and then come home but I couldn't.

I just felt so unsettled knowing that she was in a bad place. I did what I could and contacted the airline and eventually she got her case back.

Home sick phone calls continued with her saying she hadn't made any friends etc and I just couldn't settle. I felt so helpless. She was sleeping on a bed with no bedding and it just didn't seem right.

Today however, she has some bedding and has been out with some new friends. She seems a lot happier and maybe I can settle again.

It just got me thinking that when I had my 3 children I didn't sign up to be a single Mum and do it all by myself. All the worry is horrible and it would have been so much better to have her Dad to share it with. I even did something I have never done before and I emailed Bruce to tell him how much we were struggling. I know it won't get me anywhere and he won't reply but for once he might worry a tiny bit or wonder if she is ok and he might know a bit of what I go through.

I'm so proud of her and really want her to enjoy this experience and make the most of it but so far it hasn't been a brilliant start and it can only get better