Sunday, 30 August 2015

Nights

It's 12.05am and I should go to bed. I still haven't made my bed after my nightmare last night and the thought of wrestling with my duvet doesn't really seem like a task I want to do.
I still have my 'bedtime' routine to do that I'm supposed to do every night. All the sharps to be put in the shed, hide my car keys and house keys and make the house as safe as possible. Grrr tonight I just can't be bothered but I suppose I need to do it more than ever so that I am safe.
My children have all left home now and the house is so quiet. I really miss them and find being on my own so hard after bringing my children up on my own for so long. However I have to let them go and I have to let them lead their own lives. I think I need to find my life again and do more of the things that I enjoy. Tomorrow night there is a knitting club that I've been putting off going to for months as I find it daunting walking into a pub by myself but I know that they will make me welcome and I will enjoy it. So I'm going to try my best to go and show off the lovely owl jumper that I am knitting for my niece.
What else do I enjoy??? Where can I go?? I thought about looking for a book club or even going to aqua aerobics but one step at a time.
To be honest all last week I had planned to end my life this weekend. I've been feeling really suicidal and had got it in my head that it would be ok if I wasn't around anymore. I know that that isn't true and I know that suicide is not the answer but sometimes it is hard to keep my head up and keep going. I really need to start some antidepressants so I can dig myself out of this hole.