Sunday, 23 August 2015

Letter I will not send

Been feeling particularly suicidal recently and have contemplated writing goodbye letters to my children. I don't think I have ever felt as bad as this before and am trying to make sense of it. Empty nest syndrome probably does play a part. My children have all left home now and I'm spending more time on my own. It's summer so I'm not at work and I've also not been very well. All in all I'm not surprised that I'm struggling and battling with my head. Suicidal thoughts are painful and intrusive and hit you when you least expect it. It scares me that in a mad moment I might act on the thoughts and I often don't feel safe. All I can do is keep going

There is one letter inside me that I'd love to send and that is to the person that hurt me the most - Bruce. How do I even start to put on paper how much he has hurt me? How can I describe the pain I live with every day, even after all these years? He will not give me a second thought and I know he hasn't a clue of the impact of his actions. I often wonder if he ever thinks of his children. It won't be long and his daughters will be planning weddings - how would he feel seeing someone else walking them down the aisle? In a few years there might be Grandchildren. He will never see them - will he regret that? Or is he just such a cold bastard that it doesn't matter? I have years of my life, the birth of my children, their early childhood etc etc that I can't share with anyone. I look at old photos and wonder if my memories are real. Why am I smiling? Why do we look just like a normal family? Should I have known - were there any signs?

I know it doesn't help to go over these thoughts but I somehow need to make sense of my life. Am I really a bad person? Often I wonder who I am. I push people away and have little confidence. Who would want to spend time with me? There is such a pain deep inside me and I'm tired of trying to hide it. Maybe I need to write these letters and burn them just to get everything inside of me out. Maybe one day I will but they can't be goodbye letters - not yet anyway