Nightmares

It's night time again and as usual I'm getting anxious about going to bed. I'm not sure what the trigger has been but my nightmares recently have been really loud and really vivid.
I had hoped that the prazosin was going to help more with my nightmares and stop them being so bad. I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week and I'm going to see if I can up the dose to see if that has any positive impact
I'm definately not having as many wet beds and that is helping but the content of my nightmares still has such a lasting impact on me. My CPTSD goes into overdrive and stays with me during the day. Simple smells and everyday sounds trigger images and negative thought patterns and they are hard to shift.
It's getting me down and I'm trying hard not to let anyone notice but I wonder if I'm heading for a fall. There are times during the day when I can't breathe and I just feel panic. Holding my head up and soldiering on is what I do but I'm not sure it helps. Maybe I should be more open to let people help me but I hate it when I'm let down or I feel judged
Someone told me to write down my nightmare in as much detail as I can but I'm confused as to how that will help.
I hate my nightmares and I hate nights.

Crisis over

I think the prazosin is helping and last months crisis is finally over for now. I'm sleeping a lot better although the meds do make me feel a bit groggy in the mornings.
I had a B12 injection last week and already feel like I have more energy. I managed to get loads done in the garden yesterday and am hoping to do some housework today.
I still get moments where I just feel really low and know I'm not out of the woods yet. I'm trying to stay around people and keep busy. I've knitted some lovely cardigans for friends babies that are due soon and it makes me happy to be able to give them to them.
I have an abscess on my wrist from where I cut myself. It finally burst last night and is looking a lot better this morning. I have dressed it and am keeping it clean. I'm trying to not use antibiotics if I can help it. I've had so many recently.
This week I have another trauma therapy session. Last weeks was probably the worse session I have ever had. We tried to tackle some pretty traumatic flashbacks and it just got too much. I was so upset and couldn't breathe. My therapist got me a drink of water and it was obvious that he just didn't know what to do. My skin crawled and I couldn't stay still. I paced up and down his office and cried. Now I feel so stupid! This week I think we need to take it much slower and maybe concentrate on positives. The images in my head just get so loud and vivid and I can't deal with them. The EMDR is supposed to give me a tool to tackle those images but I have learnt that you can't force it and you have to be ready. Smaller steps forward are better sometimes. I'm nervous about this week but know I need to keep going.
So it's back to work tomorrow and hopefully this week will be better

Prazosin

Have finally started taking my new medication. After years of research I have prazosin and although I can't talk about a miracle yet my nightmares have been easier to deal with and I have been falling asleep a lot quicker after waking up in a mess
My blood pressure has been low but I've not been dizzy after getting up. My GP is checking it tomorrow.
Not sure where I am in my head right now. Calmer than last week I think but still all over the place. I have a session with my therapist tomorrow and we are going to deal with some crazy issues. I know it will be hard but I've hot to go there in order to move on. Just hope I don't disassociate as I will be very embarrassed.
Better try to get some sleep

Crisis House

Have been in a crisis house for the past 5 nights. I'm just not coping very well at all. Nightmares are impossible and my self harm is bad. Yesterday I got out onto the road at 7am in my pyjamas which was really scary. So tonight they have locked me in!

It scares me when I disassociate and don't know where I am. My skin crawls and the images are so vivid and in my face. 

I've finally got my new meds prazosin but can't start taking them properly till next week as my blood pressure is low. It's so frustrating.

Back home tomorrow which will be nice 

Bad day

Having a bad day. Woke up this morning and just felt so tired and really low. It is so cold outside and I just couldn't get out of bed. I lay there trying to will myself to get up but just couldn't find the energy or inclination from anywhere.
In the end I gave in and went back to sleep and finally woke up at 3pm. I obviously needed the sleep. Can't really say I feel much better now. Just feel tired and run down.
Night times have been really hard and I've been beating myself up about the fact that I can't shake the nightmares. I still feel dirty and disgusting and my skin crawls.
Thoughts of self harm are never far away and I'm finding it hard to just keep going.
I have so much going on in my life at the moment. My job is changing yet again and that stresses me out. I just get used to working somewhere and then they move me and I have to start all over again. The schools that I work with are not happy and everyone at work is fed up.
My children have all just about left home and I'm on my own a lot which is just not good for me. I keep thinking about going to the gym or a club but I'm just so tired all the time.
I've not been well again and have another abscess that needs packing everyday. It is really sore and I have been taking antibiotics for it.
I am getting the results of blood tests tomorrow so hopefully I can get sorted soon.
I'm just losing so much weight - not a bad thing I know but I've lost over 4 stones in 6 months without really trying to. It is a worry.
I'm still not taking any meds but have read about a new drug for nightmares called prazosin but my psychiatrist won't give it to me and it is really frustrating. He told me to write to him about it and he will have a look but I'm not seeing him till April!
So all in all life is as crap as ever