Nightmares

It's night time again and as usual I'm getting anxious about going to bed. I'm not sure what the trigger has been but my nightmares recently have been really loud and really vivid.
I had hoped that the prazosin was going to help more with my nightmares and stop them being so bad. I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week and I'm going to see if I can up the dose to see if that has any positive impact
I'm definately not having as many wet beds and that is helping but the content of my nightmares still has such a lasting impact on me. My CPTSD goes into overdrive and stays with me during the day. Simple smells and everyday sounds trigger images and negative thought patterns and they are hard to shift.
It's getting me down and I'm trying hard not to let anyone notice but I wonder if I'm heading for a fall. There are times during the day when I can't breathe and I just feel panic. Holding my head up and soldiering on is what I do but I'm not sure it helps. Maybe I should be more open to let people help me but I hate it when I'm let down or I feel judged
Someone told me to write down my nightmare in as much detail as I can but I'm confused as to how that will help.
I hate my nightmares and I hate nights.

Bad day

Having a bad day. Woke up this morning and just felt so tired and really low. It is so cold outside and I just couldn't get out of bed. I lay there trying to will myself to get up but just couldn't find the energy or inclination from anywhere.
In the end I gave in and went back to sleep and finally woke up at 3pm. I obviously needed the sleep. Can't really say I feel much better now. Just feel tired and run down.
Night times have been really hard and I've been beating myself up about the fact that I can't shake the nightmares. I still feel dirty and disgusting and my skin crawls.
Thoughts of self harm are never far away and I'm finding it hard to just keep going.
I have so much going on in my life at the moment. My job is changing yet again and that stresses me out. I just get used to working somewhere and then they move me and I have to start all over again. The schools that I work with are not happy and everyone at work is fed up.
My children have all just about left home and I'm on my own a lot which is just not good for me. I keep thinking about going to the gym or a club but I'm just so tired all the time.
I've not been well again and have another abscess that needs packing everyday. It is really sore and I have been taking antibiotics for it.
I am getting the results of blood tests tomorrow so hopefully I can get sorted soon.
I'm just losing so much weight - not a bad thing I know but I've lost over 4 stones in 6 months without really trying to. It is a worry.
I'm still not taking any meds but have read about a new drug for nightmares called prazosin but my psychiatrist won't give it to me and it is really frustrating. He told me to write to him about it and he will have a look but I'm not seeing him till April!
So all in all life is as crap as ever

So tired

Really tired and fed up tonight. Not sleeping very well at all as nightmares are back so strongly. My skin crawls and I feel really dirty all the time. Can't believe I'm back in this crap place again.
No matter how hard I try and how much I try to keep my head up I can't stop the free fall when I'm struggling. It overwhelms me.
I haven't got any meds anymore and I'm beginning to wonder if that is a good idea. I hate how they make me feel but am frightened in case I get too low and impulsive.
Empty nest syndrome is crap. All my children are getting on with their lives and I'm on my own much more. It makes me think that it would be ok to not be around anymore but I know that is not true. I've just got to find my life again.
I need to find a purpose to keep going and some new friends. Not sure how I do that.
Work is busy and I have an ofsted inspection tomorrow which is stressful but it will be ok
PTSD is hard and it never ends

Complex PTSD

Journey so far

This is my very first attempt at blogging and thought I'd tell you a bit about me and what I hope to achieve through my blog.
My name is Julie and I'm 48 years old. I work full time as an Early Years Specialist Teacher. 13 years ago my husband raped me and abandoned me with 3 young children to go and live in Thailand. Since that time I have been a single mum and my children are now 24, 21 and 17. After my ordeal I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and for a while now have been struggling with horrendous flashbacks and nightmares.
I am currently having trauma therapy which I am finding very challenging. This involves EMDR sessions that recently have left me very unsettled and have made my nightmares more vivid.
I have recently heard that after 13 years my husband is returning to live in the town where I live and that terrifies me. He has not supported me or my family financially or in any other way and I am feeling threatened by his imminent return.
I'm hoping that I can use this blog to track my journey through trauma therapy and EMDR and also to track my emotional turmoil and mental health. I would also like to explore how my mental health affects my family and my working life.

I am a champion for the Time To Change campaign to challenge the stigma of mental health.
At present I am struggling, night times are impossible and I've stopped taking all my medication after a disagreement with my psychiatrist. The night crisis team want me to go into hospital as my self harm has been particularly bad over the past few weeks. I have had 3 visits to A&E to be stitched up.
This week I have an appointment with my care co-ordinator and a session of trauma therapy so I hope I will be able to access some support.