Working with PTSD

I'm really struggling at the moment. After being off work and in hospital I'm trying to get my life back to some kind of normality but it is not easy.
I am a teacher and really aware of my responsibilities and hate being off work. I went back to work before I had even been discharged properly from the hospital and realise now that it was way too soon and I was not ready. My GP only signed me back to work as we had a brief telephone conversation and I asked her to sign me fit for work. she hadn't even had my notes from the hospital or anything and just took my word for it. I was not really well enough though and now I am paying for it.
I can only have 4 weeks phased return and have used all that time up so now I have to go back full time. I'm not seeing the doctor from Occupational Health until 24th June so there is very little I can do. I spoke to someone from HR today and she said that I have to go back full time or be paid part time hours even though I can't afford it. I don't see the point of even going to see the OH doc if there is little that they can do to support me. I nearly killed myself a few weeks ago and is any job worth that? Maybe it's time to think about my options and put myself first.
my job is stressful and for the 7th year running I am under threat of redundancy. They keep getting rid of people and then making our work load bigger and bigger. It has become impossible and I've had enough. Surely employers have a duty of care when they keep putting you under so much stress but apparently not. They did offer 6 weeks of counselling with one of their counsellors but that is no good for me. I need specialist help and support and I realise now that I can't get that and work full time.
I spent 6 weeks in hospital for nothing as I have less support now than I ever have. I have not heard from the therapist that promised me he would not give up on me and have only seen once this year.
No wonder people give in as it is so hard to keep your head up and keep going.
I'm not sure what work can do to make a difference but maybe if they even acknowledge that there are times I struggle it would be good. Some safety measures around those times would make a difference but the message was loud and clear today - if I'm not up to the job 100% then I shouldn't be there, so no pressure,!!

Supporting friends, family or colleagues in M H hospitals

Just thought it would be good to write about how I would have liked to have been supported in hospital and what I noticed other people going through.
When you are admitted onto a mental heslth ward it is a frightening and overwhelming experience. Everything you do, say and have around you is closely monitored and you lose you sense of self identity.
On entry you are searched and every bit of your belongings are searched. Personal items can be taken away or withheld and you feel so ashamed and humiliated. Even your underwear is examined. Items that you expect to be taken off you sometimes aren't but silly personal things can be - it doesn't always make sense.
Your bedroom does not have a fully closed door to the bathroom and there is little privacy due to the glass panels in the door and certain lights that are kept on all the time. Strategically placed mirrors mean that you are always in view of staff.
Initially there are 10 minute observations that can go down to one minute or constant observation and that means that you can never settle and are always on alert. You think about your every move and what you say and do.
The doctors assessment is invasive and detailed and you get asked weird questions that make you question if they think you have gone completely mad.
Staff treat you like a child and you get told what to do and when. We were even sent to bed!
So in that environment knowing friends and family are there for you is so important. Even a simple 'how are you' text means so much. Just send a text with 'thinking of you' - anything just to let them know they are not alone as I have never felt so alone in my life. Hours spent sat on that bed or in the chair aimlessly watching crap on the tele. It is soul destroying.
You don't need to visit but visits aren't as scary as you think and you going might be the difference between being able to go and get some fresh air or have someone to talk to about anything. It doesn't have to be doom and gloom.
A friend of mine came a couple of times a week and took me out for a coffee. I felt stupid having to be escorted but those afternoons helped me so much.
A letter, card or even some flowers brighten up your room. I didn't get any but some people decorated their rooms with things from friends which was so nice and thoughtful.
The food is crap and someone bought me some fruit - the nicest fruit I have ever tasted.
So don't be afraid to keep in touch with someone going through a hard time in hospital. They need your support more than ever - trust me I know x

Hurting

Can't believe it's been nearly 5 months since I last posted. My daughter is due to come home next week and time gas gone so quickly.

Such a lot has happened while she has been away. Mostly quite negative and it's had a huge impact on my life.

My PTSD has been really bed. I kind of acknowledge that my children flying the nest is a huge trigger for me and led to my last real breakdown in 2011. In March I hit a really bad time and was so suicidal. When I look back now I don't think I realised how dangerously low and impulsive I had become and my whole perception of how I thought I was coping was not based on reality. It was like I was on auto destruct and my hand was firmly on the self destruct button. I had no regard for the people around me and my tunnel vision led me to several attempts at taking my own life. 

I actually jumped in the river - something I never thought I would do as it was my safe place but one cold miserable night I did. The wall of cold hit me as soon as I entered the water and I managed to scramble to the bank. I was so lucky. I lost my favourite pair of shoes though! The crisis team were wonderful that night, staying on the phone and calming me down.

This was followed by 2 trips to hospital to be stitched up after stabbing myself again and then I started taking overdoses........

The last overdose ended up with me going to A&E and being treated and then being discharged. I got into my car and tried to drive home but crashed half way home. The impact of the crash means that I have no recollection of what happened and to this day have 2 days of my life missing. My car was written off and I'm still trying to sort out a new one. It's horrible not having a car and I've also let the dvla know about my PTSD, the accident and subsequent admission. I'm waiting to hear if I can keep my licence. It will be a blow if I can't but also a wake up call that I need to sort my life out. I've discovered that buses make me sick so that is no good.

After the crash I was admitted to an acute mental heslth ward. It was horrible and so frightening. I can't really say anything changed while I was there apart from still being alive. I did some jigsaws, knitting, colouring, watched people ho on fag breaks and queued up for medication. Night times were bad an the staff had little understanding of trauma but maybe that should be another post.

The good thing was that I finally went for an assessment at Khiron House in Oxfordshire. This is a specialist trauma centre and I really hoped they could help me. The assessment was gentle but very thorough and I felt that I'd finally found somewhere that could help. We decided that the timing wasn't right as I was too high risk at present due to there being no staff cover at night times. However I'm hopeful that I can access their support in the future - something to look forward to and work towards.

They recommended some therapists in my area to start doing the work with me and I've had one session so far.

I am trying to get back to work after finally being discharged from the hospital but it is not easy. My head is still not able to concentrate and stay focused but I'm trying to build ip the time slowly. My colleagues have been as understanding as usual with no cards, get well wishes or flowers - even after being in hospital for 6 weeks but I know that there is a stigma with mental health and it can be frightening. People don't want to say the wrong thing. It was very hard walking back into work on the first day but it is getting easier.

I'm still not looking after myself very well. My weight is the lowest it has been for 27 years and my abscess is not healing. I was back in hospital this week after it seemingly healed over and then burst again in 2 places this time! It is very painful and I have large antibiotics to take.

I think the biggest thing that has hurt me though is the reaction of people you trust and have let into your life. It's true that when times are tough you really know who your friends are but it's more than that and that doesn't even scratch the surface. There are people that I felt comfortable to let into the crazy world of me and that takes hell of a lot of trust, time and effort. It's like finding a kindred spirit only to find that they are not on the same page and that comes as a shock. Having things that I've managed to open up about thrown back at me and being accused of being selfish and triggering, when actually I was not well really cuts deep. Never again will I be able to open up to a friend about how I'm feeling or what is going on in my life, without worrying about should I? I'm not a bad person but I don't always get it right and I would genuinely do anything for my friends. My default can come across as glib when I really feel,out of my depth but that doesn't mean I don't care. I guess the saying that some people stay in your life for a season, some for a reason and some for a lifetime. I had just hoped that this friend was there for the long run and I had even wanted them to be part of my family. I am hurting and there is a hole in my heart but that hole will fill harder and stronger and never again will I let myself be vulnerable and hurt.

Time to move on - it's not easy but I'm determined. When the chips are down it is just me and I'm going to fight. There will be stumbling blocks on the way but I will get to Oxford, I will drive again, I will get back to work properly and when I'm ready I will meet new friends. Until then I'm going to cherish my daughter with so Manu hugs and kisses when she comes back next week and hopefully we can go on a last minute holiday somewhere warm to catch up and relax.

Being a Mum can be hard

Sometimes being a single Mum can be really difficult. It's hard when you know one of your children is struggling and there is nothing you can do except be there for them. I want to take their pain and worries away but sometime that is just not possible.

My daughter went all the way to Maryland in America to study at the university until the summer. The preparation was stressful and she didn't get her things ready until the very last minute.

I got up at 3am and drove her 2 hours to the airport in Manchester and then drove all the way home, worrying whether she had caught her flight ok and if her case was too heavy etc.... I then worked all day and was so shattered that I got ill with a bad cold and chest infection.

When my daughter arrived in America the airline had lost her case. It was freezing cold and she didn't have the warmest clothes on, plus she left her coat in my car! Tearful phone calls continued for 3 days and she had no clean, warm clothes, no bedding and no one she could turn to. I just wanted to jump on a plane, give her some clean clothes and a cuddle and then come home but I couldn't.

I just felt so unsettled knowing that she was in a bad place. I did what I could and contacted the airline and eventually she got her case back.

Home sick phone calls continued with her saying she hadn't made any friends etc and I just couldn't settle. I felt so helpless. She was sleeping on a bed with no bedding and it just didn't seem right.

Today however, she has some bedding and has been out with some new friends. She seems a lot happier and maybe I can settle again.

It just got me thinking that when I had my 3 children I didn't sign up to be a single Mum and do it all by myself. All the worry is horrible and it would have been so much better to have her Dad to share it with. I even did something I have never done before and I emailed Bruce to tell him how much we were struggling. I know it won't get me anywhere and he won't reply but for once he might worry a tiny bit or wonder if she is ok and he might know a bit of what I go through.

I'm so proud of her and really want her to enjoy this experience and make the most of it but so far it hasn't been a brilliant start and it can only get better

What a week!!!

Just had a really bad week and am exhausted.
About a week ago my beautiful labrador, Lottie, stopped eating and suddenly looked really ill. After a few trips to the vets we found out that she had an enormous tumour in her stomach that was inoperable. I brought her home for one last night and we all said our goodbyes to her and then the vet came round to the house to put her to sleep. I snuggled her up in her bed and kept her calm and he gave her an injection. Within seconds she had gone but it was peaceful. I'm missing her so much as we had had her since she was 5 weeks old and she was nearly 14. I am trying to remember all the lovely times we had but it is a bit raw right now. We have her daughter, Rosey, who is 10. She is missing her Mum and has become my shadow.
I have started taking citalopram and it is making me feel really crap. I feel sick all the time, dizzy at times and my temperature is all over the place. Am not sure if that is due to an infected wound or the tablet. When you look at the side effects for citalopram there are so many!!! I'm going to try and stay on them but might cut the tablet in half tomorrow as I somehow have to go to work and won't be able to if I continue to feel sick and dizzy.
I have a meeting on Tuesday afternoon to go over my complaint about A&E. I'm glad they're taking it seriously but I'm not looking forward to going over it all again with someone else.

Response so far

Dear Julie,

Thank you for your e-mail dated 3 January 2016.

Your concerns are in relation to the care provided by A&E, Queens Medical Centre (QMC).

I am very sorry to hear of the distress and anxiety you have experienced and I can assure you that a full investigation will be requested.

Before we can proceed with your complaint, we will need consent to investigate your concerns and forward your letter to the provider.  I would be grateful therefore if you could return the attached consent form giving the NHS Nottingham North and East Clinical Commissioning Group permission to investigate your concerns and forward your letter.  As soon as we have received your consent form we will write to Patient Experience Team, QMC asking for your issues to be investigated promptly.

It will also be helpful if you could state on the consent form your preferred method of contact for keeping you informed about the progress of your complaint.   Please note that for confidentiality reasons we may not leave messages on an answerphone.

Please note that during the investigation, our Complaints Department will need to be satisfied that all of your concerns have been appropriately investigated and responded to and have sufficient time to prepare the response letter.  I therefore anticipate that we should be able to respond to you within 35 working days of receipt of the consent form. I will let you know if we are unable to meet this timescale.

During our investigation we will be looking to establish the following:

1.     The conduct of the Doctor ‘Chris’

2.     An explanation why the Doctor refused the gown and blanket brought to you

3.     An explanation why pain relief was offered but not provided

4.     An explanation why A&E could not provide a prescription for one tablet of lorazepam

5.     An explanation why there appeared to be a lack of basis care and communication from all staff members

Your expected outcome is:

1.     An apology and explanation of the events that took place on 3 January 2016

2.     Staff informed of the outcome of the investigation and the impact this had on the patient

3.     Assurance that measures have been put in place to eliminate other patients experiencing the same difficulties

4.     To make the service aware of patient feedback

DISCLAIMER: This e-mail and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which they transmitted may be subject to disclosure 

Complaint

Ended up in A&E last night and had to make the following complaint


I am not sure if this is the correct way to make a complaint directly to my CCG but maybe you can point me in the right direction.
This morning at 4am I unfortunately had to go to A&E. I suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and subsequently have mental health problems. In recent years I have repeatedly had to attend A&E to be stitched up etc. Recently I have been trying very hard not to self harm and have been accessing therapy and support and hadn't been to the department for quite a while.
When I got there the streaming nurse recognised me and said how well I have been doing and she had noticed that I haven't been for a while. She was very caring and supportive. I really hate going to A&E. I call it 'The walk of shame' as I know my wounds are self inflicted.
Earlier this morning I had had a nightmare and flashback and had woken up yet again with a wet bed, crying and shaking and so frightened. When I am in this state I disassociate and today I found myself in the bathroom with scissors in my hand and had stabbed myself in the chest.
I knew I needed medical attention and stitches so I reluctantly went to A&E.
The streaming nurse took my hand and led me into the resus section of A&E as the stab wound in my chest was deep.
When I walked in I felt so upset and frightened and it is really loud and busy. The doctor, called Chris, recognised me. He sat me on a bed and the nurse bought a gown and blanket. He coldly said that he won't need them. He briefly looked at my wound. Didn't ask me many questions but did ask if I wanted pain relief which I said I did. He never gave me any but made me feel like I deserved the pain I was in. He bought a kit over and coldly stitched my wound and then said he would get DPM to see me. He put on a plaster that I am allergic to but I didn't have the courage to say anything.
At 4.30 he left me curled under my coat, cold and upset and never spoke to me again.
I cried and felt so lost and pathetic. I hate it when I hurt myself and never want to be at the hospital.
Later on they put me in a different area of the department and I laid there for 3 hours on my own. When the new staff came on a male nurse put a blanket over me and that made me cry more as I didn't feel I deserved any act of kindness.
I was wheeled into the other side of A&E and placed in the middle of the department on a trolley. I cried even more and was in pain.
At 9am I finally saw a man from DPM. He told me to go home and to call my MHT tomorrow. I told him how frightened I was about hurting myself and that I was in pain. I asked for one tablet for tonight so I had something to calm me down but he told me I had to ring 111 and he couldn't help me.
I left the department at 9.30, really upset. I had to sit in my car in the car park and ring 111 to ask NEMS to call me. I sat in my car for nearly an hour and a GP rang me back and luckily gave me a prescription for one tablet of lorazepam so I can be safertonight. I picked up the prescription on my way home from hospital.
I know that I self harm and can understand the judgement that professionals make but I was treated really coldly and in an uncaring way. It just compounds the thoughts that I have that I am dirty, stupid and disgusting. No one cared that I was upset, cold, in pain and alone and I got the impression that they think if they treat me like that I won't do it again but unfortunately mental health doesn't work like that and I don't have a lot of control. I am waiting for in patient trauma therapy and am happy to engage in any way it can in order to get better.
The New Year is the anniversary of a major traumatic event and is a hard time for me. I have had very little sleep, too many flashbacks and nightmares and feel very suicidal and low. Last nights care has just made me feel worse and the worrying thing is that I'm not sure I will ever go back but what do I do when I need urgent care. It frightens me that I will kill myself.
I know that I use services more than some other people but I do try to give something back to the NHS. I am a member of the patients cabinet at my CCG, am part of my patients participation group at my surgery and recently have been supporting the procurement team with the new contracts for talking therapies. I want to use my knowledge and experience of mental health services to support and help others.
I would hate anyone to be treated like I was last night. I have never complained before and am so appreciative of the support I receive. This time, however I want an explanation as to why I was treated so badly and in such an uncaring manner. No one should spend hours cold, upset and in pain curled up under a coat with no basic care and compassion. It is not good enough.