Getting worse :-(

I have been in and out of the psychiatric hospital and am just feeling lower and lower. I'm not sure anymore if I can just carry on.
Last night I stood by the river in my pyjamas and just wanted to jump into the stillness and calm. I can't believe I walked away and didn't jump. Maybe it was a trial run?
My ex is back from Thailand and I'm frightened, work is crap and everything just seems so hard.
Just don't really know what else to say!

Pain

My neck is healing ok. It is really painful. When I left the hospital they gave me 100 paracetamols, 48 Ibruprofen and 48 Codeine tablets. I hate having that many painkillers in the house but am trying hard to keep to a routine and take them sensibly. The worse thing is sleeping when I keep turning onto my painful side. I didn't realise that I slept on my right side so much.
I saw my consultant today and he was pleased with how it is healing. He said it was harder to cut out the infection than he thought it would be.
I am trying to get ready for Christmas but am not organised at all. I think I need to not get stressed out by it and what will be will be.
I have a therapy session tomorrow but I haven't really done what he asked me to do last time and still haven't been shopping. I hope he will go easy on me!

Warning - scary photo

I took this photo 3 days ago after an operation to have the abscess in my neck sorted. I felt so ill. Am finally home now and find looking at this picture really scary. Maybe when I'm feeling like pressing self destruct I should look at it and remember how poorly I was and how frightened I felt.

Update

This week I have seen my therapist and my psychiatrist. I must admit I wasn't really looking forward to the appointments as I thought they might throw the book at me and lock me up! However they went really well and I finally feel more supported and understood.
I saw my therapist on Thursday and he found it amusing that I had challenged my psychiatrist about my diagnosis. He always tries to encourage me to be my own therapist and we talked over current events and my actions. He understood that I was disassociating a lot more and was also able to explain the anxiety around shopping. Before I see him in 2 weeks time I have to try a plan to get me able to go shopping again. I feel anxious about that but am going to try and challenge my comfort zone little by little.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he admitted that he was worried about me and felt I was a high risk of hurting myself badly and unintentional suicide. We agreed a crisis plan so that I know the support is there when I need it. I can ask for a crisis admission to hospital at any time and can also have better access to lorazepam. The crisis team will no longer be able to tell me that I'm not open to them and should support me better.
Christmas is a hard time for me and I spoke to my ex husband in Thailand last week who dropped the bombshell that he is back next week. I am trying to not get wound up as he has said that before and hasn't arrived.
I'm tired and am looking forward to a break over Christmas. Tomorrow we are decorating the house which will be nice and will brighten things up.

More antibiotics

The stab wound in my side has got infected and I'm back on antibiotics. I have a wound that is 4cms deep and I have to pack it every day. It is really painful and I have no painkillers in the house as I'm not safe with them at the moment. My girls are away so I can't give the tablets to them so I have to try and keep going without any.
The lack of sleep is making me feel really low and tearful. I need to clean my house but I just haven't got any energy. However living in an untidy place gets me down and makes me feel more dirty.
I am seeing my psychiatrist again on Friday. I'm not sure how he can help me or what I want to say to him. I will challenge him about my last appointment as it was rubbish and didn't help me at all.
Christmas is just round the corner and I need to get organised as I don't want to let everyone down. I find this time of year really hard and haven't really started off feeling too great.
I wish I could write a positive blog saying how great I feel and how well I'm doing but I can't.

Enough

I'm so tired and I've had enough. I feel so alone with everything.
I wish I could curl away and hide until I'm feeling stronger. Right now life is hard but I suppose for me that is nothing new.
I wonder what joy tonight will bring and how I'm going to cope. I'm trying to keep my head up and keep going but the heaviness I feel just overwhelms me.

Nightmare

It's night time again and time to go to bed. Wish I could stay awake all night instead of having nightmares.
Last night I had a nightmare and my bed was wet. I had a shower and curled up on the sofa downstairs. I should have sorted my bed out but I didn't and then it took me ages to be able to go and sort it today. In the cold light of day I feel so dirty and stupid.
I'm just so exhausted and that is not helping at all. My cuts are sore and I feel really low. Suicidal thoughts come into my head all the time and I'm tired of batting them away. I'm scared that one day I will listen to them and do something impulsive.
This is nothing new and I should be stronger.