Sunday, 31 May 2015

Alone with it all

What a difference less than a day can make. I felt ok this morning and hopeful that things were getting better but tonight I just feel lost and have that horrible knotted up feeling in my stomach. I've taken my meds but for some reason don't want to go to sleep. I just know I won't cope tonight with another nightmare.
I've got a busy day at work tomorrow and in the morning am assessing someone doing a level 3 qualification in Child Care. I just hope she is ok because I don't feel strong enough to tell anyone they have failed. Maybe I should give in and stay off work but then I'm alone with my head and my head is not a good place to be right now. How do I keep my head up and pretend everything is ok? Everything is not ok and there are more times that I just want to curl up and die. I hate feeling like this.
So who do I tell? Where do I go for help before I do something stupid? My MHT just tell me to go for a walk. The crisis team tell me to take another lorazepam. My GP hasn't got a clue and is under the impression that the crisis team will come and see me and make everything better. My psychiatrist never has any appointments. My therapist can't cope with the fact that I'm not getting any better and my family don't give a shit.
Seems that it's back to good old me. Distractions, distractions, positive self talk, hot baths, drives in the car to the river, watching tele and when all that fails there is always tablets and scissors. Sometimes the emotional pain is just too great