Thursday, 8 August 2013

Checking in

So how am I feeling today? I thought it would be good to check in with how I'm doing.
My head is working like a washing machine at the moment with so much going round and round in it. I need to try and make sense of it all.
The threat of my husband returning is still there and very unsettling but things have gone very quiet. Where is he? What is he up to? I just wish I knew so that I can sort myself out. If he is coming back then I need to get things put into place to keep myself safe. I need to contact the police and get an injunction to keep him away. I also need to talk to the victim support team to talk about the implications of giving a statement about what he did. After 13 years I remember it all so vividly but can I be precise about exactly what happened or have I added elements in my head that maybe I've made more significant than they would have been if I had reported it years ago? I just don't know. Am I strong enough to see it through?
If he isn't coming back then I need to make some decisions about putting things in place so that if he decides to threaten to come back in the future I don't fall apart. Maybe it's time to tell my children what happened? I need to see a solicitor to get my divorce finalised and to sever all ties with my husband for the future. My children are growing up and will be left home soon and I need to remove myself from their Dad once and for all. Easier said than done but I think it is important.
I'm tired and still tearful but am trying to keep distracted. A friend is coming over tomorrow and we're going out for the day.
I also haven't self harmed for a few weeks which is a step forward. The urge is there and I have a nagging compulsion to cut my neck for some reason, but I'm not going to.
My nightmares are still there but for the past few nights I've coped by myself and haven't rang the crisis team. I'm trying to stick to a strict routine and to get back into bed and off to sleep as quickly as possible. However I feel that I'm cutting off my emotions and not acknowledging them - will they build up and will I blow? I'm not sure but its working so far.
So all in all I'm doing ok - one day at a time.