Saturday, 3 August 2013

Still struggling

The fog is never far away but seems to be rising. I am trying so hard to hold everything together. As the night gets darker a feeling of dread starts to build inside me. My stomach churns and my heart races. Dark shadows lurk behind me.
I try to relax and clear my mind but going up the stairs to bed seems like I'm walking to a fate worse than death. He lurks in my dreams and turns them into nightmares. I can smell him, feel him and his face is sharp and vivid. His words pierce through me and there is no escape. I am frozen just like the night it happened - I can't change it and no one is safe......... It's all my fault.
I'm tired of wet and soiled beds, of scrubbing myself clean and of cowering on the bathroom floor, too frightened to face my dirty bedroom and the reality that nothing changes.
I need to go to bed but in reality I want to run - maybe I can find the wardrobe of my childhood where no one could find me and I was finally safe.