Friday, 9 August 2013

Bad night again

Struggling tonight - or should I say this morning.
A different nightmare tonight - shadows and voices and my skin felt on fire. I was being pulled in different directions but further away from my children as tiny babies. I was screaming and shouting, desperately trying to reach them and woke up startled, crying and shaking. I felt disorientated and so frightened like someone was lurking.
I fumbled my way to the bathroom and just sat frozen on the floor, voices still loud in my head telling me I am dirty, disgusting, stupid and pathetic, urging me to hurt myself.
It's so hard not to listen, not to give in and go there and I'm frightened by how strong that impulse is. I feel so alone.
I need to calm down, I'm safe and no one can hurt me. I am in control and I can do this. You are not going to win.