Saturday, 17 August 2013

Feeling low :-(

Story of my life - when do I ever not feel crap?
Feeling sorry for myself today. This year I have had a recurrent neck abscess and its coming back again. My neck is sore and swollen and I feel poorly. I haven't got out of bed yet today and just have no energy.
Camping with my friend went well and we had a laugh. The tent didn't fall down or leak but the camp bed was very uncomfortable. For 2 nights I just dozed in bed, too frightened to sleep incase I had a nightmare. I just thought it would be really frightening to wake up from a nightmare in the small confines of the tent and I would panic. Also I don't really know Nicky that well and didn't want to be embarrassed. The two nights I've been at home since coming home I haven't been able to sleep at all. I think I am just exhausted. At least I have had 4 nights without a nightmare! Seems a bit extreme though and it's making me ill.
Yesterday I volunteered to drive to Birmingham early to take my daughters friend for a job interview. It rained so much that I could hardly see the road. I drove back by myself and tried to give myself a boost by stopping and going to M&S to look for a new outfit. However I couldn't really see anything I liked, I felt really fat and ugly and couldn't really afford anything anyway!
My youngest daughter passed all her AS level exams and is on track to study what she wants to at university. She has a boyfriend and busy social life and I hardly get to see her lately except when she needs money or something.
I've been feeling really suicidal and it seems to be growing. I know my children love me and would be devastated if I killed myself, but they really do have their own lives now and my role has changed so much. I honestly do feel that it would be ok if I wasn't around anymore. I can't think of many people that would come to my funeral or be too bothered that I wasn't around anymore. My husband is supposed to be coming back so it's his turn to have the children.
Whilst I was away I put some flowers at the spot by the beach where we scattered my mum's ashes. It made me think about what I would want them to do with my body. I don't want to be buried as I don't want to rot and be eaten by creepy crawlies but being cremated doesn't really do a lot for me either! I just want to disappear and to finally be at peace. I'm tired of battling to keep going - it's not worth it.
I got an appointment through to see my psychiatrist yesterday and its not until 1st November but I'm not that bothered as he doesn't really help anyway.
I know I need to try and be positive. I need to plan what I'm going to do for the next 2 weeks before I go back to work. I need to plan something to look forward to and work towards but it just seems to be too much of an effort today, so I might as well just stick my head back under the pillow and try to keep going.
I might feel differently tomorrow x