Aftercare

The last few days have been a roller coaster and I'm feeling exhausted
After cutting myself badly a few nights ago I had hoped that there would be some support available to keep me safe over the weekend. However that has certainly not been the case at all.
I was told to ring the crisis team if I needed them and they would be able to offer help and even a home visit or face to face meeting
I rang them last night and a man at the other end said they were busy but would ring me straight back. Well in a couple of hours that will be 24 hours ago and I'm still waiting! I guess they think I will ring back of I needed to but why would I? They just let me down and make me feel pretty crap.
I'm not sure what after care would have been good but none is just crap. I don't think I would want to be in hospital but can I keep myself safe? I'm not sure I can
I usually try to make my house as safe as possible but the other night had been sewing up a knitting project and had left the scissors out without thinking. That was all it took for me to be so unsafe
I think I need to make a checklist for when I go to bed so I put all sharps away
This weekend has been hard and very overwhelming.

DPM

I really hate the treatment that you get in A&E. I was so upset about ending up back there again and was made to sit for hours in the middle of the department on a hard chair while all the other patients, even the drunk ones, laid on comfy beds. A nurse came to do the referral to DPM and asked me very personal and embarrassing questions infront of other patients sitting next to me. I wanted to curl up and die.
Then I kept getting told that someone would be down to assess me in half an hour - 4 hours later someone came and asked me if I lived in a bungalow etc, what my religion was etc etc and then just told me to go home and ring the crisis team! Duh, that was no help at all. Looking back I know there is nothing much else he could have said or done but maybe to ask how I was feeling would have been a good start as then I could have said how overwhelmed and frightened I was. I could have talked through how I was going to cope at home and keep myself safe and how to use my medication more effectively. Maybe I should do their job?
Have managed to get some sleep and am going to have a quiet day. Can't believe how badly I hurt myself - do I really hate myself that much? Do I really care that little about myself? My self harm is getting worse and it's like I'm on self destruct. Got to go through the humiliation of having my stitches out next week too - joys!

A&E

In A&E as I've managed to cut through an artery!!! One of these days I won't make it to be patched up

Can't even remember hurting myself tonight and I'm so upset at the damage I've done

Been waiting for hours to be sorted and still got to see the mental health team but I know they will just send me home

It scares me what I'm capable of but at the same time I don't really care 

This is just crap

It's now 3 hours later and I'm still here waiting for DPM - feel so crap sat on the naughty chair - even the drunk people get treated better than me. Going to leave if they don't come soon - they can't help anyway 

Nightmares

It's night time again and as usual I'm getting anxious about going to bed. I'm not sure what the trigger has been but my nightmares recently have been really loud and really vivid.
I had hoped that the prazosin was going to help more with my nightmares and stop them being so bad. I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week and I'm going to see if I can up the dose to see if that has any positive impact
I'm definately not having as many wet beds and that is helping but the content of my nightmares still has such a lasting impact on me. My CPTSD goes into overdrive and stays with me during the day. Simple smells and everyday sounds trigger images and negative thought patterns and they are hard to shift.
It's getting me down and I'm trying hard not to let anyone notice but I wonder if I'm heading for a fall. There are times during the day when I can't breathe and I just feel panic. Holding my head up and soldiering on is what I do but I'm not sure it helps. Maybe I should be more open to let people help me but I hate it when I'm let down or I feel judged
Someone told me to write down my nightmare in as much detail as I can but I'm confused as to how that will help.
I hate my nightmares and I hate nights.

Sleeping sickness

Nights have continued to be a problem. Rang the crisis team a few nights ago only to be told to read a book - I just wanted to laugh 'that's where I've gone wrong all these years' I don't keep a book on the bathroom floor to read when I'm in a mess. As if - it just made me feel stupid and pathetic
I won't be ringing for help again any time soon.
I have a water infection and am in a lot of pain. I saw my GP today and she gave me some antibiotics. When I got home I went upstairs at 10am and my daughter woke me up at 5pm. I was fast asleep. I feel a lot stronger after sleeping, so I obviously needed it but had hoped to sort my garden out today. It can wait till tomorrow.
My daughter has just announced that she is leaving home and that is sad but I'm glad that she is getting on with her life and is happy. I need to try to get on with my life. I was supposed to go to knitting club today and I know I would have enjoyed it but finding the thought of meeting people in a pub a bit hard. I know once I go I will be fine but it just seems one step too far right now.
It's late and I need to go to bed - feel sick at the thought of it. Not feeling very strong to deal with nightmares right now and keeping myself safe is doing my head in. I just want to be normal

Crisis House

Been at the crisis house for two nights. It is good to have somewhere safe to go and the staff here are lovely but the other patients are hard to be around and pretty triggering. They kick off, scream and shout and then self harm, take overdoses etc
If they can't keep safe here then what are they like normally? There is always someone to talk to who will listen and calm you down and they go out of their way to write plans to support you. Some people just don't want to be helped but just like drama and chaos.
It is so unsettling when your feeling crap anyway. 2 people have walked out and another girl just does the opposite of what she is told all the time.
I find it hard to see others self harming when I'm trying my best not to. It's a constant battle for me. Not going off in my car is also hard but I must try and get the support I need and stay focused
Nights have been bad and it's good to have someone to talk to but they can also see how much I'm struggling which makes it easier for services to help me. Often I can't explain what is going on but this way they can see it. The crisis team come and see me and they will help me when I go home later in the week
Mental health is just so complex - I don't really understand it

Nights in my car

Its 5am and I've been in my car all night. I promised myself (and others) that I would try to stay at home and to not spend the night in the car but right now this is how I'm coping. I know it's pretty stupid and I know I'm vulnerable out in the car especially as I'm disassociating so much. 

I tried so hard to stay at home. I tried curling up on the settee but when the panic sets in I just go. 

I can't explain logically why I'm doing this. It doesn't make sense but it feels safer than staying at home. 

I think it might be the enclosed space in the car that helps and the fact I have nothing here that will hurt me. I gravitate to the river and find it peaceful and calming. The water is so still and I love the light dancing on the water.

Have got yo go to work tomorrow but I'm so exhausted. I've been offered a place at the crisis house again and I'm seriously thinking of going. Maybe that will support me into sleeping in my bed again? Even if it just helps me to stay at home it will be better.

Going to try and drive home. I might be able to grab a few hours sleep............