I'm so cross with myself that I had to ring the crisis team today. I hate it when I get to a place that I know I'm not safe and I have to talk to someone to stop me doing something really stupid.
I've had 2 really bad nights with nightmares and soiled beds. I just couldn't calm down and could hear his voice so loudly. This morning I went swimming to try and calm down. However I felt just as unsettled after the swim.
Then I tried to go shopping to get some food for tonight as all my children were coming home for a roast dinner. I just froze in the shop. I felt that someone was behind me and could hear him so loudly. I felt sick and thought I was going to pass out.
I had to come home without any food and just cried. I was so angry with myself and picked up some scissors to hurt myself.
Instead of hurting myself I rang the crisis team and they calmed me down and we talked about how I could still provide a meal. Ordering a pizza is ok and not a sign of failure. Sometimes I just can't do it.
So I went to bed and slept I was so tired. When my children came home thy were fine about getting a pizza and we had a lovely night watching the X factor.
I need to learn to not be too hard on myself. I was exhausted and needed sleep and feel much calmer now.