Monday, 22 June 2015


Have just been reading the side effects for quetiapine and although I'm only on a low dose I have definately been feeling much worse since taking the medication.
My psych wants me to cut it down to taking it every other day but I think I might just stop taking it altogether. I am feeling much more suicidal and that is reflected in my recent posts. I need to listen to how I'm feeling.
Tonight I have a knot in my stomach and I'm just feeling so unsettled. It's like I don't care anymore. There is a part of me that is in self destruct and my head is in a terrible place. I go on holiday a week on Thursday and want to go in one piece. I already have stitches in my wrist and its going to be hard to hide the scar on holiday. I've been wearing long sleeved tops and so far noone has noticed.
There is a massive part of me that wants to ask for help and I need to be safe. If that means going into hospital then I'm kind of ok about that even though I know I would hate it.
I've managed to go to work but I'm struggling - just bouncing from one visit to the next, not keeping on top of admin and not really engaging with anything. I just sat in my car today feeling so lost and ended up colouring in a colouring book just to try and ground me and keep me in the present.
I was supposed to be going out tonight but didn't go. I'm not feeling very strong and curling up away from the world seems like the best option.
Its true that when we need others the most we push them away. I don't trust anyone and am feeling so alone.