I have to face the fact that I'm really struggling and feeling suicidal. Plans are going round and round in my head and I go over and over them.
I know that my children love me and they would be completely lost without me but I just can't shake off the belief that I would be better off dead.
The struggle and the pain just gets worse and nighttime nightmares are sneaking into daytime panics more and more. I've been getting stuck in my car most days and it it hard. Today I just lost it in my car and wet myself. It just felt like the end of the world and I wanted to curl up and die.
I am just finding it harder and harder to feel connected and I am numb and lost.
Today I saw my psychiatrist today and he wants me to stay on my medication even though I'm struggling more in the day and my self harm is out of control. He did agree to me finally having a CPN and I really like her so hopefully things should be better. /I have got to ring my GP and get them to agree to a crisis plan so I can get help when I need it without having to get through the receptionists.
Have just gor to try and keep going.