Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Bad night = Bad day

The sun is shining and that is supposed to make you feel happy and alive but I am just so tired that I don't know what to do with myself.
I spent 2 hours stuck in the bathroom last night - everything was so loud and so bright. I could hear him, smell him and the pictures in my head flicked from eerie shadows to clear images - his menacing face mocking me.
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. Just stuck there in the middle of the night. I could smell the urine as I wet myself and could do nothing to stop it.
Coming round in such a mess on the bathroom floor is just so hard. It makes me feel dirty and disgusting, weak and pathetic. All I can do is to try to make sense of it and to ground myself which is just not easy when senses are taking over.
I didn't get back to sleep at all and still got up at 8 and went to work. A day full of meetings has taken its toll and I'm exhausted but scared to go to bed. How will I cope if the same happens again tonight? As the sun fades I'm feeling lower and lower - dreading the inevitable nightmare
I'm on my own tonight and feeling overwhelmed.