My life just gets worse

Having a bad week :-(
Had a really high temp and felt so ill on Monday and ended up in hospital all on my own as usual. When I was moved to a ward the male nurse had to check my obs every hour. He pulled the curtain around my bed and became very over familiar, rubbing my leg and calling me beautiful. It made my skin crawl. He then got my mobile no from my records and started sending me messages saying he wanted to be there for me and meet me when I got out of hospital. I felt so trapped and dirty as I lay in that bed and didn't handle it very well. I should have asked for another nurse and caused a fuss but I just felt so ill
I'm back home now and I did report the nurse. I was given the usual 'we have reported it' feedback but that is not enough. How many other women has he hit on? It makes me angry that people abuse the trust you should have in them
Last night I was in lots of pain and felt really ill. I contacted my surgeon today who just fobbed me off and told me to see my GP or to go back to hospital
I only wanted some advice and I have paid a lot of money for a private operation. I was told I had 2 years after care which is crap
Am moaning so much today but I feel so low and am in pain - life gets worse

Dear Crisis Team

Dear Crisis Team
To the crappy person at the end of the telephone tonight I would really like to scream a few things at you
You didn't listen to me
You didn't calm me down when I needed you to
You didn't follow the crisis plan that I have written especially for times like tonight
You didn't understand that I'm frightened
You didn't help me to plan how I'm going to get through the rest of tonight
You didn't care
You made me feel stupid
You left me feeling overwhelmed and so agitated
The call made me feel worse
My skin crawls
I can feel, smell and hear him and my skin crawls
I just want to curl up and die and I just needed you to stay with me for 5 minutes to calm me down and make me feel like I am not alone
Is that too much to ask?

Me now

More trauma therapy

Had yet another session of trauma therapy today. My therapist has had to move to a different building and I thought nothing of it. However when I got there it just happened to be a building where I went after giving an impact statement to the police which was really traumatic back in 2008

It was so weird - I was suddenly back in that place and just couldn't breathe. A lovely lady that I worked with all those years ago came out to say hello which was very surreal. I have moved on from there and don't want to go back

Am wondering whether to finish the trauma therapy as it's not really helping much now anyway. I need to move forwards

So true

Scared

I'm scared tonight - I have mischief in my head and am feeling agitated and impulsive.
I picked up a knife earlier and ran it over my wrist - I'm like a ticking bomb waiting to go off!
I haven't got any medication to help and know I can ring the crisis team but in reality what does that change? Nothing - there is nothing they can do to help
Better try to get to sleep, I have an important meeting at work tomorrow
Just wish my head would shut up

Bad day

Having a bad day. Woke up this morning and just felt so tired and really low. It is so cold outside and I just couldn't get out of bed. I lay there trying to will myself to get up but just couldn't find the energy or inclination from anywhere.
In the end I gave in and went back to sleep and finally woke up at 3pm. I obviously needed the sleep. Can't really say I feel much better now. Just feel tired and run down.
Night times have been really hard and I've been beating myself up about the fact that I can't shake the nightmares. I still feel dirty and disgusting and my skin crawls.
Thoughts of self harm are never far away and I'm finding it hard to just keep going.
I have so much going on in my life at the moment. My job is changing yet again and that stresses me out. I just get used to working somewhere and then they move me and I have to start all over again. The schools that I work with are not happy and everyone at work is fed up.
My children have all just about left home and I'm on my own a lot which is just not good for me. I keep thinking about going to the gym or a club but I'm just so tired all the time.
I've not been well again and have another abscess that needs packing everyday. It is really sore and I have been taking antibiotics for it.
I am getting the results of blood tests tomorrow so hopefully I can get sorted soon.
I'm just losing so much weight - not a bad thing I know but I've lost over 4 stones in 6 months without really trying to. It is a worry.
I'm still not taking any meds but have read about a new drug for nightmares called prazosin but my psychiatrist won't give it to me and it is really frustrating. He told me to write to him about it and he will have a look but I'm not seeing him till April!
So all in all life is as crap as ever